>>James: JENNY, DID YOU GET
UP TO MANY SHENANIGANS AS A KID.>>I’M PRETTY GOOD. I THINK I’M KIND OF, NOT LIKE A
BAD MOUTH. I’M THE MIDDLE CHILD AND AS A
PERSON I NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION. THAT’S WHY I’M SITTING HERE. AND I READ THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
CALLED BOY, THAT– THE AUTHOR WROTE ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD AND HE
WROTE ABOUT FAKING APPENDICITIS AND THERE WAS ONE DAY I WAS
GOING TO THE DOCTOR FOR A CHECKUP CHECKUP AND NOT FEELING
LIKE I WAS GETTING ANY ATTENTION. I SORT OF FELT IT OUT FOR A
SECOND. AND I WAS LIKE, AND THEY WERE
LIKE WHAT’S WRONG. AND I’M LIKE, AM I DOING THIS, I
I’M DOING IT I HAVE A PAIN ON MY RIGHT SIDE. AND THEY WERE LIKE WHAT DOES IT
FEEL LIKE. AND I JUST SAID WHAT I READ IN
THE BOOK. AND I JUST THOUGHT EVERYBODY
WOULD BE LIKE OH MY GOD, WE HAVE TO GET NINTENDO, WE HAVE– KNOW,
OH MY GOD, YOU NEED THE BARBY VAN, POOR YOU, YOU HAVE TO GET A
LAND LINE IN YOUR ROOM, INSTEAD WE ARE LIKE SHE HAS
APPENDICITIS, CALL THE AMBULANCE RIGHT NOW. THEN I WAS LIKE EVEN MORE
EXCITED BECAUSE EVERYONE IS LIKE JENNY! , EVERYONE IS SAYING MY NAME,
LINE– JENNY, JENNY, OH MY GOD, LOOK HOW SCARED THEY ARE OF
LOSING ME. I’M SO PRECIOUS. BUT THEN WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL
AND THERE WASN’T ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME. BUT THEY KEPT TRYING TO FIND
OUT. AND LIKE IT WAS– I KEPT TRYING
TO MOVE IT, LIKE INTO MY STOMACH BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID I WAS GOING
TO GET AN OPERATION. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED IS IS
THAT JUST A LOT OF PEOPLE TRIED TO SEE WHAT, THEY JUST ALL
LOOKED UP MY BUTT FOR DAYS. TRIED TO GET ALL THE POOP OUT OF
ME. EVERYONE IS LOOKING UP THERE.>>DID YOU EVER CONFESS.>>I DID, ACTUALLY, I FAKED
THAT, AND THEY WERE LIKE YOU DIDN’T.>>I DID, YOU FAKED IT, NO, JEN,
YOU WERE REALLY SICK.>>YEAH.>>OH MY GOD, THAT IS I GREAT
LESSON FOR ALL OF YOU.>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>UNLESS YOU LOVE ENEMAS.
>>>NEXT ON C-SPAN, THE DAILY
WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING WITH PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>SETTLE DOWN!
SETTLE DOWN! SETTLE DOWN!
BEFORE WE BEGIN, I KNOW THAT MYSELF AND THE PRESS HAVE GOTTEN
OFF TO A ROCKY START. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IN A SENSE, WHEN I SAY ROCKY START, I MEAN IT IN THE SENSE OF
“ROCKY” THE MOVIE. BECAUSE I CAME OUT HERE TO PUNCH
YOU! IN THE FACE!
AND ALSO I DON’T TALK SO GOOD. SO I’D LIKE TO BEGIN TODAY BY
APOLOGIZING ON BEHALF OF YOU, TO ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] FOR HOW YOU TREATED ME IN THE
LAST TWO WEEKS. AND THAT APOLOGY IS NOT
ACCEPTED. [ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE I’M NOT HERE TO BE YOUR BUDDY, I’M HERE TO SWALLOW GUM,
I’M HERE TO TAKE NAMES. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY, NOW LET ME WAVE SOMETHING
SHINY IN FRONT OF YOU MONKEYS! I’LL GET BACK TO YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] AS YOU KNOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP
ANNOUNCED HIS SUPREME COURT PICK ON THE NATIONAL TV TODAY.
WHEN HE ENTERED THE ROOM, THE CROWD GREETED HIM WITH A
STANDING OVATION. WHICH LASTED A FULL 15 MINUTES.
YOU CAN CHECK THE TAPE. EVERYONE WAS SMILING.
EVERYONE WAS HAPPY. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE MEN ALL HAD ERECTIONS. AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE
WOMEN WAS OVULATING LEFT AND RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND NO ONE, NO ONE WAS SAD.
THOSE ARE THE FACTS FOREVER AND THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE.
WE GOT SOMETHING X, THREE, FOUR, CAPITAL P, CAPITAL T, EIGHT,
FOUR — NO, THAT’S MY E-MAIL PASS WORD, FORGET THAT.
STOP WRITING THAT DOWN! NOW.
PRESIDENT’S SCHEDULE FOR TODAY, 3:45, PRESIDENT WILL HOST AN
ENCORE SCREENING OF “FINDING DORY.”
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY?
THE STORY OF A FORGETFUL FISH, OKAY?
EVERYBODY LIKES THAT. THEN AT 6:00 P.M. HE’S GOING TO
ABOLISH THE NATIONAL PARK SYSTEM.
BUT “DORY”! GOOD STUFF.
SO IF NOBODY HAS ANY QUESTIONS —
>>OKAY, A COUPLE QUESTIONS. GO.
GLEN FLUSH, “NEW YORK TIMES,” BOO!
GO AHEAD.>>YEAH, I WANTED TO ASK ABOUT
THE TRAVEL BAN ON MUSLIMS.>>IT’S NOT A BAN.
>>I’M SORRY?>>NOT A BAN.
THE TRAVEL BAN IS NOT A BAN WHICH MAKES IT NOT A BAN.
>>YOU JUST CALLED IT A BAN.>>BECAUSE I’M USING YOUR WORDS.
YOU SAID BAN. YOU SAID BAN, NOW I’M SAYING —
>>THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, AND I QUOTE, “IF THE BAN WERE
ANNOUNCED WITH A ONE-WEEK NOTICE —
>>YEAH, EXACTLY, YOU JUST SAID THAT.
HE’S QUOTING YOU. IT’S YOUR WORDS.
HE’S USING YOUR WORDS WHEN YOU USED THE WORDS AND HE USES THEM
BACK, IT’S CIRCULAR USING OF THE WORD AND THAT’S FROM YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WHAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>SERIOUSLY GLEN, ARE YOU GOING
TO START WITH ME RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY NUTS OUT SO YOU CAN GET A BETTER
KICK AT THEM?>>YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN THAT I
WOULD ASK THAT QUESTION –>>SIT DOWN, GLEN.
WHO HERE — JUST BY SHOW OF HANDS, WHO HATES GLEN?
QUICK SHOW OF HANDS. EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY.
ONE, TWO, THREE, INFINITY. NOW, LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT
EVERYONE RAISED THEIR HANDS AND EVERYBODY HATES GLEN.
PRINT THAT THAT’S YOUR STORY. NEXT QUESTION.
GO.>>YES, I’D LIKE TO ASK ABOUT
STEVE BANNON’S ROLE ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL.
>>OKAY, THAT’S A DUMB QUESTION. THAT’S A STUPID QUESTION.
SIT DOWN, GLEN.>>MY NAME IS NOT GLEN.
>>I KNOW, I’M JUST SAYING “GLEN” LIKE IN A GENERAL GLEN.
IT’S YOUR WORD, IT’S YOUR WORD. NEXT, GO.
>>YEAH, I’M ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT STEVE BANNON, A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE’S THE ONE BEHIND THIS MUSLIM BAN.
>>YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS STILL AREN’T GETTING IT.
YOU NEED SOME PROPS? MY WORD’S TOO BIG, I GOT TO SHOW
YOU IN PICTURES? GREAT, HERE WE GO.
WHEN IT COMES TO THE DECISIONS THE CONSTITUTION GIVES OUR
PRESIDENT LOTS OF POWER. AND STEVE BANNON IS THE KEY
ADVISER. [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY? AND OUR PRESIDENT WILL NOT BE
DETERRED. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IN HIS FIGHT AGAINST RADICAL
MOOSE-LAMBS. NOW DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE ANY
QUESTIONS?>>YEAH, “WALL STREET JOURNAL.”
ARE YOU OKAY? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT!
YOU CANNOT COME AT ME LIKE THAT, I WILL PUT YOU IN THE CORNER
WITH CNN!>>WE’RE NOT FAKE NEWS!
>>YOU LIKE THAT, YOU LIKE THAT, DORK?
YOU LIKE THAT, DORK? [ LAUGHTER ]
COOL OUT, ALL RIGHT? OBVIOUSLY I’VE BEEN GETTING A
LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BETSY DeVOS, OKAY?
NOMINEE FOR SECRETARY OF EDUCATION.
SO WE ACTUALLY HAVE HER HERE TODAY TO FIELD SOME FEW — FIELD
FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS — WHICH I’M SURE SHE’S CAPABLE OF DOING.
BETSY! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO. THANK YOU, YEAH.
YES. THE MAN?
>>HI. I DON’T THINK WE EVER GOT A
CLEAR ANSWER ON THIS. HOW DO YOU VALUE GROWTH VERSUS
PROFICIENCY IN MEASURING PROGRESS IN STUDENTS?
[ LAUGHTER ]>>YEAH, WELL, I — I DON’T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT SCHOOL. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I DO — I DO THINK THERE SHOULD BE A SCHOOL.
PROBABLY JESUS SCHOOL. AND I DO THINK IT SHOULD
HAVE WALLS AND ROOF AND GUN FOR POTENTIAL GRIZZLY —
>>THANK YOU. THAT’S ENOUGH FOR NOW.
THANK YOU. I’LL ACCEPT ONE LAST QUESTION.
YEAH I’LL TAKE THIS LOSER.>>I’VE GOT A QUESTION ABOUT THE
STATEMENT THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED ON HOLOCAUST
REMEMBRANCE DAY. DO YOU THINK IT WAS ANTI-SEMITIC
TO NOT EVEN MENTION THE JEWISH PEOPLE IN THIS STATEMENT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>THIS IS SOAPY WATER AND I’M
WASHING THAT FILTHY LYING MOUTH OUT!
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
FIRST OF ALL, HOW COULD THE STATEMENT, A STATEMENT BE
ANTI-SEMITIC? THE GUY WHO WROTE IT WAS SUPER
JEWY. [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY? AND THE FACT IS A LOT OF
DIFFERENT PEOPLE SUFFERED IN THE HOLOCAUST, IT WASN’T JUST THE
JEWS. IT WAS ALSO THE GYPSIES, THE
LESBIES, AND THESE OTHER GUYS. THAT’S YOUR WORDS.
YOUR WORDS! THAT’S ENOUGH FOR TODAY.
SPICY’S GOT TO GO BYE-BYE RIGHT NOW, NEED A BIG-BOY NAP.
WAKE ME UP EXACTLY ONE MINUTE BEFORE TOMORROW’S PRESS
CONFERENCE. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT!>>YEAH, THAT ALREADY HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Is your back giving you trouble? Feeling old? Do you suffer from Repetitive Strain Injury? Full of aches and pains… from picking the ball out of the net? Then try the brand new pain relief…ELIMINATION. Engineered in Belgium and… Hey, leave the narration and jokes to me… Let’s face it, that’s the first time this year that you haven’t fluffed your lines … HAHA Remind me, how many goes have you scored in France…. Elimination…is OUT NOW in Slovakia and Hungary… …and will be coming any day soon to England! We interrupt this advert to bring you some huge news! This is truly unbelievable… After going missing 12 months ago… …Eden Hazard has been found alive and well in France! Early reports suggest he is doing well and also looking to set up a new life in Madrid. Good night. Subtitles by the Amara.org community
You are doomed, Doctor. Doomed! You are piloting
your TARDIS into a deadly trap, and even you will not suspect until it’s far too late. You know if you’re going to spy on me, you
really should turn the speaker off. What? Ho- my dear Doctor, after our many centuries
of conflict, naturally I wished you to know that your certain death … is now … certain! But even you will never suspect that your destruction awaits you on planet
Zaston 4. You only turned the picture off, I’m afraid.
I can still hear you. I know that … of course I know that … curse
you! And I wanted to talk to you anyway, I have
some news that even my arch enemy needs to hear. Meet me on the planet Tursurus in two
hours, relative time. And do try not to be late.
Mock me while you may, Doctor. My revenge will be all the sweeter. And it will be a
deadly vengeance! It will be the deadly vengeance of deadly … revenge!Where are we, Doctor? The planet Tursurus. Once home to the Tursurogs,
the most kindly and peace-loving race I’ve ever encountered, and yet the most shunned
and abhorred species in all history. Why? They could communicate only be precisely-modulated
gastric emission. Oh no! Planet of the bottom-burpers! So what
happened to them? They discovered fire. Oh!No doubt because no-one has
set foot on this planet for a hundred years, you thought you had escaped my traps of death
— but you forget, Doctor. I too have a TARDIS. When you told me to meet you at Castle Tursurus,
I simply travelled back in time a hundred years — and I bribed the architect! Say hello
to the Spikes of Doom. Say hello to the Sofa of Reasonable Comfort!
Naturally I anticipated your journey back in time, and so I travelled slightly further
back – and bribed the architect first. Or so you think! Naturally I anticipated your
travelling back in time, so I travelled back in time to an even further point — and I
bribed the architect first!Well naturally I anticipated your journey
back to an even further point- -Doctor will you stop showing off, you’ve
got something to tell the Master, just tell him!
Very well. I recently calculated that I have saved every planet in the known universe a
minimum of twenty-seven times. But you know, I have grown weary of all the evil in the
cosmos. All the cruelty, all the suffering. All those endless gravel quarries. And so
I have decided to retire, settle down – and get married.
What?! Yes. Without even knowing I was looking, I
have found a woman to love. A woman more fascinating than all my travels through time and space.
A girl more exciting than an escape up a ventilation shaft. A lover more thrilling than an army
of cybernetic slugs. Ugh — sadly doctor I cannot wish you a long
and happy marriage. Because the moment I’m done with this nauseating conversation, I
shall travel back in time once more — and buy the architect an expensive dinner, and
suggest he puts a lever just here — and a trap door leading to the vast and disgusting
sewers of Tursurus — exactly there! Prepare for five hundred miles of fear and faeces!
Goodbye forever, Mr and Mrs Doctor!Since you appear to have fallen down the sewer,
you won’t be able to have dinner with the architect — although in fact, he’s already
eaten, because I had dinner with him and suggested he place the trap door right here. Come along,
my dear. Not so fast! How can he be here? He just fell in the sewers!
And why is he so much older? Because it’s taken me three hundred and twelve
years to climb out of those sewers! And then naturally you found your TARDIS and
travelled back in time to the present day — no doubt to wreak one of your terrible
revenge things. Yes — but this time I did not come alone! After three centuries of climbing through those sewers, only the Daleks would
accompany me — because only the Daleks don’t have noses.
SO DOCTOR, WE MEET AGAIN Yes, how are things? Observe, Doctor! I am no longer merely a Time
Lord! My body has been augmented — by superior Dalek technology!
So what can you do with that, then? What? You don’t know, do you? EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE-
Stop, no! After three hundred and twelve years of climbing through the biggest and most disgusting
sewers in the cosmos … after three centuries of wading through those vast, steamy lakes
— climbing those huge, squelchy mountains … after a lifetime of only dung-slugs for
food and the occasional company on those long, lonely nights … after all that, I’m going
to kill the Doctor myself! With my own, bare hands! Die, Doctor! Die!
Don’t worry. I believe he knows the way out.Six hundred and twenty-four years
… in a sodding sewer! This way!
This way! EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE,
EXTERMINATE After them, you fools! Get them! Nine hundred
and thirty-six years … in a sewer. Wait for me, wait for me.
These corridors all look the same! We should be safe in here. EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE
So, given that exterminating you would be the most sensible thing to do, why do they
always change their minds at the last moment? I’ll explain later.
Behold! Once again I have been augmented by superior Dalek technology, rejuvenating my
physical form and granting me even more power over the cosmos.
And, I notice — breasts. They’re not breasts, okay! They’re Dalek bumps.
They can detect ion-charged emissions, and operate as etheric beam locators, at a distance
of up to twenty thousand light-years!They’re also extremely firm.
What are you trying to say? Oh … nothing. Why are the Daleks helping you? What are you
giving them in return? I have granted them secrets of the Zectronic
energy beam. Oh no, you fool — with a Zectronic energy
beam the Daleks will be able to conquer the entire universe within minutes.
With just a beam? How?! I’ll explain later.
PREPARE TO OPERATE THE ZECTRONIC BEAM IN FIVE DALEK MINUTES
I obey. You may conquer the universe but you’ll have
to share it with the beard and the bosoms over there.
THE MASTER WILL BE EXTERMINATED WHEN HE HAS SERVED HIS PURPOSE
Psst!If the master knew that the Daleks intend to kill him, he might help
us. But how are you going to tell him without
the Daleks hearing? They’ll exterminate you on the spot if you say anything! I think we’ve
really had it this time! Don’t cancel our wedding yet my darling, there’s
just one thing you’ve forgotten. What? Daleks don’t have noses! Scraping the barrel a bit there aren’t you?
Think, my dear! Back on Tursurus the Master and I both bribed the castle architect — not
only do I speak perfect Tursurun, but so does he!
You mean? Yes — I can communicate the master with carefully
controlled breaking of wind. Could I be tied to a different chair?
SILENCE Why do you have chairs on a Dalek spaceship
anyway? WE WILL EXPLAIN LATER.
Danger? [Fart noise]
[Sniffing] You are facing certain doom? Certain doom?!The Daleks are planning to exterminate you
as soon as you twiddy heepy jeep weep- Sorry, that was me.
CEASE THIS COMMUNICATOR – YOU HAVE BETRAYED THE DALEKS. EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE You fools! This Zectronic beam controller
will now not only explode, it will implode! We’re doomed!
PREPARE THE ZECTRONIC BEAM It is beyond my abilities. Only the Doctor
can do it! Help him! He’s dying! Yes, my darling? He, uh — he says I love you Oh, Doctor! You’ve killed him!
I think not, my child. This is only his ninth body. He has many, many more. Behold! The
miracle of the Time Lord! Oh, sorry about that — I thought I’d just
slip into something more comfortable. Result — cute, sexy, and lick-the-mirror handsome.
I remember you, don’t I? Then you still fear me, Doctor? You’re the camp one.
I’m not camp! Oh yeah? Nice tits!
Bumps. I remember you lot, of course. And er — you’re
my … fiancé? You remember me then! How could I possibly forget the only time-travelling
companion I ever had? You’ve had lots of companions.
The only time-travelling companion I ever … had.
Oh, right. It’s still me in here, Emma. These old hearts
are still yours. Do you still love me in my new body?
Actually I don’t think I’ll have too much of a problem with that — back to the TARDIS!
ELECTRONIC BEAM CONTROLLER IS GOING TO EXPLODE HELP US DOCTOR, AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE SPARED What better way to end my career than saving you metal gits. Pop into the TARDIS,
get a bottle of good champagne, when you come out we’ll start celebrating the beginning
of our new life together. Great!
I think in my new body I’m going to be particularly good at rewiring Oh, bugger!
Doctor?! Ah! You’re my fiancé, aren’t you. Oh dear
… seem to be a bit shy of girls now. One of the problems of changing personas, they’re
so unpredictable! Doctor, look at me!
In a minute — oh dear, another girl! I’m not a girl, Doctor, I’ve told you before
— these are Dalek bumps. They can locate etheric beam emissions, and … everything
… So, er — you don’t want to try again, do
you? Yes, probably not a bad idea, actually — shouldn’t
be too much of a problem — actually I think the problem’s probably located in this area.
Result! Oh dear, now look at that, I’ve gone and used
up three whole bodies in just under a minute and all because I forgot to unplug first,
that really was terribly silly of me. Sorry about that, my dear. Bit unfortunate. Oh, Doctor! Oh, Assistant Doctor! Residual energy — I’m a stupid ass, should
have realised IF THE DOCTOR WILL SAVE THE DALEKS HIS LIFE
WILL BE SPARED No! His life is already lost — that was a
discharge of pure Zectronic energy. Even a Time Lord cannot survive its terrible power.
But he can just change again, can’t you Doctor! I’m afraid not, my dear. Zectronic energy
— too powerful. It has destroyed my ability to regenerate. I’m afraid this is … the
end. Look after the universe for me. I’ve put a lot of work into it.
But how can we look after it, without you? I’ll … explain …
Doctor! Listen to me! You can’t die, you’re too … you’re too nice! Too brave! Too kind!
And far, far too silly … you’re like Father Christmas! The wizard of Oz! Scooby-Doo! And
I love you very much. And we all need you. And you simply cannot die!
He was the best and bravest of all my foes. From this day forward I will renounce evil,
and follow the path of goodness to honour my fallen foe.
THE DOCTOR SAVED THE DALEKS. THE DALEKS TOO WILL HONOUR THEIR MORTAL ENEMY
He was never cruel, and never cowardly. And it’ll never be safe to be scared again. It’s impossible! Beyond all known laws of the universe!
Maybe even the universe can’t bear to be without the Doctor.
Emma, look! I’ve got etheric beam locators! No, Doctor. I’m afraid those are actual breasts.
Are you sure? I think I can see the on switch! No Doctor, we have to face facts — you’ve
come back to life and this time, you’re a woman.
Really?! I’ve always wanted to get my hands on one of these!
Unfortunately I haven’t. Your mother’s going to get a bit of a surprise
at the wedding, isn’t she! Do you think we’ll both wear white?
I’m afraid, Doctor — and I’m not sure this sentence has ever been used so completely
accurately before, but — you’re just not the man I fell in love with.
Well, never mind. We can still rattle around the universe, fighting monsters and saving
planets, what could be more fun? My best friend by my side, my trusty TARDIS — and of course,
my sonic screwdriver.Oh look, it’s got three settings!
Doctor, stop that! Doctor I have to say, you are rather … gorgeous!
I’m not bad, am I? And come to think of it, you’re a great deal more attractive than I
remember. Why, thank you.
Tell me, why do they call you the Master? … I’ll explain later.
(shining music) (sonic whooshing) (zapping) (“Dirty Pitch” by Shadowkey) (crashing)
(camera clicking) (woman screams) (bear roaring) – [Barbi Voiceover] In
case you were wondering how I wound up in this farcical situation, let me catch you up. (“Fashion Models” by Antracto) My name is Barbra Dolly Brennan. My parents named me after Barbra
Streisand and Dolly Parton, their favorite singers. I’m a cosplayer, model,
blogger, and fitness goddess. What is that, you ask? What are you, a hermit? It means I spend my days
doing selfies, posing, and doing endless videos
of my ass doing squats. Endless squats. Hundreds of squats. Thousands of squats. You can find me at
Breaking underscore Barbi. Sounds easy but it’s actually really hard. It means that anything I do suddenly turns into a
photo shoot, a video opp, or an opportunity for a collab. This type of work comes
with a major downside, meeting a nice guy. You have to be choosy, you know. I mean, like, what if I’m seen with a guy that doesn’t even have at
least 10,000 followers? That would be unthinkable. I have my reputation. And then I met Jake. 250,000 followers. – Plenty of water. (Barbi moans) Got the first aid kit in
case of any emergency. Got bandages.
– OMG, he is so fire.
– Ointment, wet wipes. Food rations.
– I wonder how many hash tags I can fit into this post. – Sunscreen. Lip ointment. Antibacterial gel. Flashlight. – [Barbi Voiceover] He asked
me to go hiking with him on our first date. (“Dirty Pitch” by Shadowkey) I just can’t even. – Antibacterial gel. Flashlight. Compass. Extra battery. Security blanket. – He’s so into this!
– Rope and tackle. – [Barbi Voiceover] Look at all those cute things he brought. – And most importantly,
a radio and GPS tracker so we can’t get lost and we can call for help
in case of an emergency. – [Barbi Voiceover] I totes need a selfie. Oh, like right now. – Selfie. – My turn.
– Jessica will be totally jelly when she
sees me with this guy. – All right, I think that’s everything. You ready? – [Barbi Voiceover] You better believe it. – Yep. – You wanna do a last check? We’re gonna be up there for a while. – [Barbi Voiceover] I
have everything I need right here, baby. Don’t need this. Lip gloss, headset, mud mask. And a little something for the hot tub. – I’m good. – All right, let’s do this. (“Upbeat Summer Pop” by Borksford) – [Jake Voiceover] Did I
tell her how cute she looks? – Hey, can I, can I put my keys on you? – Yeah, sure. (key chain squeaks) (Jake sighs) (camera clicking) I’m glad you swiped right. It’s really hard to find
girls that like to free-climb. – [Barbi Voiceover] What the
hell is he talking about? Oh, my profile. I thought free-climbing
was some sort of sex thing. Well, when the app asked for what level, I obviously wrote expert. Gosh. – Oh. This is pretty hardcore, even for me. – [Barbi Voiceover] Wait, is he serious? I thought we were gonna
take some cute selfies and go back to his place. – We could’ve started
with something simpler, but I mean, I’m sure at your
level this is a piece of cake. – [Barbi Voiceover] Way to go, Barbs. You’re gonna get yourself killed. (bird screeches) Was that a pterodactyl? OMG, I’m so gonna die. I mean, anything can happen out there. I can be eaten by a bear, fall of a cliff, butt-raped by aliens, dragged
away by wolves, anything! – Let’s go. – [Barbi Voiceover] And
I just got these shoes. Ugh, just look at that butt. He definitely doesn’t skip leg day. Totally worth it. – No sweat. – [Barbi Voiceover] I
hope he eats pineapple. (“Energetic Tropical
Pop” by KakaduCreation) – [Jake Voiceover] Aw, that’s so sweet. She’s going slow and waiting for me. – [Barbi Voiceover] Aw, he’s so sweet. OMG, it is pineapple! Mm! – [Jake Voiceover] I
can’t wait to invite her to my mansion in Hawaii. – [Barbi Voiceover] This isn’t so bad, but I could totally go
for a latte right now. – [Jake Voiceover] You
know, I’m gonna slow down and let her get ahead of me, so if she falls I can catch her. Everything about her is perfect. – [Barbi Voiceover] I hope
there’s a Starbucks up there or something. – [Jake Voiceover] I
can see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl. (thudding) – [Barbi Voiceover] Phew,
almost at the top. (body thuds) Sure hope we’re not going down that way. – Whew! (camera clicking) Jake? There’s no signal up here. Jake? Jake? Jake? What are you doing down there? (Jake laughs) Ugh, there’s no signal up here! Ugh. – [Barbi Voiceover] Maybe
there’s some signal, mm, over here. (Barbi hums) (rock rumbling)
– Whoa! (squishy crashing)
(Jake screams) Jake? Are you okay? (Jake groans) – [Barbi Voiceover] O! O! M! M! G! G! (voice echoing) Did I just kill the hottest guy ever? I didn’t know about the rock. I mean, I didn’t put the rock there. The rock, who put the rock there? Like, Mother Nature and stuff. It’s not my fault. I didn’t do it. It’s not me. I would never do that. (airplane whooshing) (laser zapping) (explosion booming) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) Now I’m totally lost. No signal, no date, no food, no water. Didn’t see this bag of dicks
coming straight at my face. This is insane! I can’t believe I’m out here. And the worst part is I can’t
upload these amazing selfies. Why don’t they put cell
towers out here or something? Ugh, ugh, like, no signal anywhere. (“Summer Party” by MrRevant) I mean, if you’re gonna
be banished up here, you’re gonna wind up
dead anyway soon, right? Figures. I bet all my friends are
worried sick about me. It’s not bad. It could be worse, right? I mean, like, I’m getting back to nature. I’m becoming like zen and stuff. Ugh, my feet are killing me. Wow, this is a great
location for squat videos. I mean, look at this place. I can totally make so much content here. (Barbi groans) Oh, oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Oh god. I hope there’s like some, some signal up here. There’s no way, oh, no way. This is, this is not happening to me. No, this is not happening to me right now. Come on, signal, come on, come on! God, oh god, this can’t be! Oh, oh, I’m not, no! Oh! Body, you can’t do this to me right now! Oh goodness, oh, oh, oh! How did the savages do it? Oh! I’m not gonna be like a barbarian, but I don’t think I have any choice. Oh, what am I gonna do? Toilet paper, mm! Leaves. Okay, okay, maybe I
could use some of these. Right here, okay. Now, now I need to find a spot. Oh! I can’t wait any longer! Oh, I need a spot, oh! What about right here? Yes, this looks fine. Okay, all right. Pants down. Okay. (excrement splattering)
(Barbi groaning) Oh, that’s so good. Woo! Yes. Woo! My pants feel looser now! Oh, I feel so cleansed. I guess it’s not such a bad day after all. Feel so fresh. (Barbi hums) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) I once saw some TV show about
this guy in the woods and junk and he would just find stuff
that would help him survive. I wish I paid attention to it, but he was like so hot and I really didn’t
understand a word he said. Hm, I wonder if I could find him out here. Maybe I could get a ride. He’s always got like a
helicopter or something. Ew, is that a spider? I hate spiders! Ugh, this place so needs a cleaning! Where are the park maids? Ew! I hate this place! I hate nature! I wonder if this place has bears in it. I mean, it looks like a bear place, and if I was a bear, I’d
totally hang out here. Hey, is this where the
WeHo Bear Club hangs out? What the! – You’re gonna burn in
hell for what you did! (grunting)
(thudding) – Three years cardio kickboxing! – Whoa, cool your jets, turbo. I, uh, was looking for someone else. Gonna need this for later. – You gonna kill some peanut
butter sandwiches with that? – I lost my weapon. I woke up and it was gone, okay? I’m looking for someone. – Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa, I totally
found him like that. He was at the bottom of the hill and the blood and the rock
was already on top of him and I was totally gonna go
down there and help him out, but you know, I’m wearing
high-heel sneakers and I can’t go down there–
– Found who? – Nobody. Are you the police? – (laughs) Police. No. I’m Homeland Security. (eagle screeches) – Oh. Whew. What happened to your head? – It’s nothing. I’m looking for someone. Have you seen this woman? – That is the worst
selfie I have ever seen. You need to learn better angles. You can make yourself look
about 10 pounds lighter. And you need a (electronic beeping and whirring) filter too because I
could totally see pores. – So you haven’t seen her? – OMG! You get cellphone service out here? Who is your carrier? (man sighs) – Nassau. – Are they good? – Stellar. Interstellar. – Because I can’t get
a single bar out here. Are their roaming rates okay? – Astronomical, but we’re subsidized. – Wow. – Excuse me. (phone ringing) – Hm?
– Sir. (grunting on phone)
My sit rep is as follows. (babbling on phone) Agent Vicky is still MIA. (babbling on phone) The package is recovered. – [Man On Phone] Mm-hm. – I’m wounded but able. The situation–
(babbling on phone) Is FUBAR. (babbling on phone) No, no no no no no no. No, Bogley shot down the transport. Requesting recovery team. They are everywhere! (camera clicking)
(babbling on phone) Send in Agent Radcliff. (babbling on phone) Roger that, sir. – So I’m not in trouble? – Are you an illegal alien? Six eyes, tentacles? – I’m from Texas. – Close enough. – I can’t believe you get signal out here. I’ve been looking for
signal for like an hour. (man choking) God, I wish I had some water or something. You sound like you’re totally choking. (man coughing and choking) Oh, do you think if I get
higher up the mountain, like I could get a signal there? (man coughing and choking) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) You know what? Can I borrow your cellphone to… Hello? – So you haven’t seen her? – No! Creepy much? Just like I need a, I need a new phone or something. This one’s terrible. Hey, do you know how to get out of here? (“Summer Party” by MrRevant) – [Barbi Voiceover] I have
like 3.4 million followers. I have millions of likes,
collaborations, sponsorships. I spend all my time showing people what a perfect and sexy life I have. And I have no real friends. I don’t have any real friends. I don’t spend time with anyone. All my friends are social media friends. There is literally no one out there that gives a damn about me. If I don’t upload for a few days, everyone will forget I even exist, and there is a new face already
poised to take my place. Uh-huh. I hate Jessica! Her makeup is always so on point! Well, sure she looks like ass in real life without all her filters. Totally met her at a meetup, and I laughed so hard when I saw her. What a dumb hoe. She shouldn’t show her face in public when she uses all those tricks
to make her skin all flawless and all those camera angles to
make herself look all skinny. She is a walking lie, and I can’t even post
that pic of me and Jake. R.I.P. He was so lit. I am so hungry. If I don’t eat something like soon, I’ll start losing all my booty gains. Bag of dicks. Oh, mushrooms. Non-GMO, gluten-free, and
totally organic, right? I mean, you can’t get much fresher than straight out of the forest, right? Smells like shiitake. I, I wish I could look it up. Dammit! Well, what if I just try one? I can always make myself throw up, right? I’m like great at vomit. I practiced in high school. No way Suzie Baker was
gonna be thinner than me. That bitch. Hm, tastes pretty good. I’m like so paleo right now. Just like that raw vegan
place I tried last month. Ugh, I’m like a total
savage barbarian right now. (“Uplifting Trance” by SunriseREC) (rapid whooshing) (squishing) (crowd cheering) – Oh! A unicorn. Take me to that rainbow. (hooves clopping) (crowd cheering) (laser blasting) Whoa! Pretty colors! (crowd cheering) (laser blasting)
– Get out of the way! (laser guns blasting) You’re gonna get yourself killed! (laser guns blasting) Do you know how to get to grandma’s house? – I don’t know where your grandma is. (laser gun blasts) What’s wrong with you? Did you eat something out here? Are you hungry? I have muffins and cookies. – Uh, I only eat gluten-free cookies. Give those to your grandma. (laser guns blasting) – Um… – Hey Mister Wolf, did
you see what I just saw? Was that Little Red Riding Hood? – [Mister Wolf] It sure was, Barbi. – I think that was Little Red Riding Hood. What do you think? – [Mister Wolf] You’re far
more delicious though. (laughs) (Barbi laughs) (laser guns firing) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) (“Uplifting Trance” by SunriseREC) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) (“Uplifting Trance” by SunriseREC) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) – Have you seen Agent Mahoney? Tall, bald, glasses. – The better to see me with! (laser guns blasting) (“Uplifting Trance” by SunriseREC) (dramatic music) – They must have no vision
in the pink spectrum! (“Striptease” by MUZik) (woman laughs) (low buzzing) They can’t see pink. (sonic whirring) (phone ringing) Sir, I have discovered a
fault in their technology. (electronic beeping and whirring) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) It can change the course
of our whole battle. (babbling on phone) Alert Agent Radcliff that
the aliens cannot see pink. (laser blasting) – Oh, pretty! (Barbi squeals) (“Uplifting Trance” by SunriseREC) (eerie music) – [Barbi Voiceover] Okay,
I’m starting to suspect that those were not gluten-free mushrooms, because I haven’t tripped balls like this since that weekend freshman
year in the Hamptons when Jessica stole my
first serious boyfriend. What was his name again? I mean, we were like totally
destined to be together. He was so rough and tough, just like a hot barbarian. I would’ve given him so many followers, but he chose Jessica and
all he got was herpes. OMG, is that him, what’s-his-nuts? He looks so much better in a loincloth. (“Days of High Adventure” by Cinematique) Antibiotics do wonders. Check out this cute outfit. I have a sword, armored boobs! Looking good, Barbi. (horse neighs) Hm. This looks sharp. This hallucination is like so lit. That’s right. Sploosh. You’re gonna need a lot more
water to put out this fire. Mm-hm. – [Barbarian Voiceover]
Man, my abs look amazing. – [Barbi Voiceover] Why
did we break up again? I totally can’t remember. – [Barbarian Voiceover]
I bet she wants me. – [Barbi Voiceover] If
this gets any hotter, I’m gonna need a boat. (hooves clopping) – [Barbarian Voiceover] Check it, uh-huh. Call that a sword? – [Barbi Voiceover] I’ll
call it anything you want. Wait, what just happened? – [Barbarian Voiceover] Mm, baby! – [Barbi Voiceover] Wait, what? (horse neighs) – [Barbarian Voiceover] Hail to the king. – [Barbi Voiceover] Well
this escalated quickly. Oh, he’s serious. Maybe he means somebody back there. Nope, just me. Well, I didn’t get all fantasy dressed up for nothing, I guess. And I have this sword, so my brain must’ve known
something like this would happen. – [Barbarian Voiceover]
Gonna make her work for it. (barbarian growls) This chick’s gonna ruin my pump! – [Barbi Voiceover] Your
pump looks just fine to me. I could totally take him. (squeaks)
I know what he likes. (Barbi giggles) – [Barbarian Voiceover]
She slapped my ass. I kinda like it. – [Barbi Voiceover] Oh,
we’re still doing this. (barbarian growls)
(swords clinking) When did foreplay become so hard? (barbarian growls)
(Barbi growls) – [Barbarian Voiceover] I
knew I shouldn’t have taken my pre-workout pill early. (swords clinking and whooshing) – [Barbi Voiceover] I’m so glad I’ve been doing yoga classes. They really keep me nice and loose. I can totally hold my own. I always could. Not to mention I look
amazing with this hand. – [Barbarian Voiceover] I
wonder if she saw that lion that I killed last week. Oh, yeah. (swords clinking) – [Barbi Voiceover] What I
love about this fantasy is that Jessica would never look
as good as I do in this. I mean, have you seen this hotness? – [Barbarian Voiceover] Man,
that’s a nice loincloth. I wonder if she’s wearing underwear. Wait, am I? – [Barbi Voiceover] This barbarian fantasy is so much better than the light show. (swords clinking) Ha, gotcha! – [Barbarian Voiceover] But
that was my favorite sword. Aw. I’m sad. (barbarian muttering) – [Barbi Voiceover] Oh come on! You’re finished already? But I’m not done yet! – [Barbarian Voiceover] I
don’t wanna fight you anyway. – [Barbi Voiceover] I can get your sword. It’s like right there.
– Stupid girl. – [Barbi Voiceover] I’ll give
you a hand and everything. I’ll go get it for you. (barbarian muttering) Wait, come back! Ugh, it’s like high
school prom all over again except I’m not fat anymore. Ugh, things get rough and he
goes crying to his mother. And now it’s just me
left behind with a rabbit and no batteries. Ugh, now I remember the problem. He’s too into himself, all pump and no go. Jessica can totally keep him, blech. All those muscles spending
hours at the gym, for what? And then he dumps me. Me! I mean, have you seen how hot I look now? Most people would
hallucinate being a superhero or a ballerina. Me, oh no. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? Worst fantasy ever. (“Suspenseful Music Box” by AlexVombat) (“Scary Lullaby” by CreativeTunes) – Pretty. (balloon popping) (Barbi squeals and giggles) (eerie man laughing) – Why’d you pop my balloons? I’m gonna kill you, bitch! – Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god! (Barbi squeals) This cannot be my life! A monster, really? – Slow down, bitch! (Barbi squeals) I’m tired! – Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! (“New Indie Rock Action” by Suslikk1980) (clown mutters) It’s all right. You good?
– Mm-hm. – We’re good. We’re good. Okay. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Oh my god, he’s swinging an ax at me! (Barbi squeals) – I’m gonna kill you, bitch! You’re such a dead little bitch! (Barbi screams) (clown laughing) You’re such a dead little bitch! (ax whooshing) (Barbi screams)
(clown laughs) I’m gonna kill you, bitch! – Oh my god! Oh my god! – Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here? (Barbi screams) – No! Leave me alone! – Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here? – Party supply stores for clowns! (clown laughing) (liquid trickling) – That was crazy. – [Electronic Voice] Say a command. – Call home. – [Woman On Phone] Hi, honey.
– Honey, yeah. Hey so, I just pulled
over to take a quick leak. Unbelievable. You wouldn’t believe. There was a chick, a blonde chick, tripping balls out in the forest, like losing her freaking mind. – Drugs?
– Yeah yeah, I know, right? Kids today. I mean, ugh, kids. – Oh no, why is he chasing me! (Barbi screams) (bonking) (low humming) (aliens babbling) (aliens clicking) – Shh! (aliens babbling) – Ow. What? (creature squeaking) Oh my god! (Barbi screams) (Barbi gasps) Yes! (Barbi laughs) Oh, yes! Oh! (“Dirty Pitch” by Shadowkey) (camera clicking) (phone whirring) No no no no no no no! No! No! No, don’t die! – [Barbi Voiceover] Fresh and clean. Nothing like a morning shower
in natural springwater. Is this what my parents were talking about when they lived in that hippie
commune back in the ’80s? I think they wore like
jogging suits or something. Hm, something feels weird. Were there way too many
minerals in the water? Maybe I need some lotion or something. My neck is feeling kinda itchy. (“Upbeat Summer Pop” by Borksford) Focus, Barbi. It’s just all in your head. Maybe I didn’t sleep off all the effects from those mushrooms. No, I’m definitely feeling
something back there. Where’s my mirror? Let’s see. Are those my pores? Ugh! I totally need some new foundation. Maybe a waterproof one or something. Better, I mean, not bad
for the savage wild. I wonder where I am. I’ve been walking nonstop for hours. I wish I was tracking my calories. My calorie burn must be off the charts. Ugh, what is this freaking itching! Did I touch some poison ivy or something? I have a photo shoot next week, and if I’m still alive, I can’t have a rash I
can’t cover up with makeup. Wait, what the hell is this? Fuzzy, pointy, it’s moving. (Barbi screams) (pterodactyl screeches) Spider. (“Street Racing” by Sound Forces) (heavy thudding) – Oh, you’re awake. – Yeah. What happened? – You slipped and fell. Lucky I was there to catch you. – Wow. I could’ve died. – Yeah, I know. Pretty amazing, right? (laughs) Kenny Radcliff, ma’am. – Barbi Radcliff. I mean, Brennan. (Barbi and Kenny laughing) – Oh, sorry, I went through your bag. You were out of water so I gave you a refill
and some food rations. – [Barbi Voiceover] And a ring. You mean a ring. OMG, OMG, OMG, it’s really happening! I’m gonna be the next
Mrs. Barbi Kenny Radcliff! I’m not gonna die alone
in my house with 10 cats who will eat my eyes after
I’m dead like my mom said! It’s so beautiful! I’m gonna get this appraised right away. What is this, like 100 carats? I’m so worth it. (“Energetic Tropical
Pop” by KakaduCreation) My precious! Take that, Jessica! – Thank you very much. – You should probably stick to the trails. – Trails? What trails? I’m totally lost. – In more ways than one. – Huh?
– Oh, nothing. Are you out here alone? – Sort of. – Well if you hike that way
for about a mile and a half, (“Energetic Tropical
Pop” by KakaduCreation) you’ll come across the road. Sooner or later the ranger
will come by and pick you up, get you home. – Are you coming? – No. I’ve got unfinished business. (eagle screeches) – Oh, so you go that way? Hello? – [Barbi Voiceover] I really
need to start paying attention when people talk to me. It’s just so rare that I
actually talk to someone face to face, you know? It’s so much easier to text them. Hm, maybe my people skills
are somehow lacking. Like, if I listened to Kenny’s directions, maybe I’d already be home by now. Wait, is that someone there? Maybe they know where I am. She looks familiar. Where have I seen her before? Does she do hair tutorials? (woman cries out) – Help me! – [Barbi Voiceover] Maybe she
knows where to get signals so I can find Kenny and swipe right. – Excuse me, excuse me. Do you know how to get out of here? (woman cries out) (flatulence rumbling) Oh my god, what is that smell? – Oh, thank god! Help me! My arm is crushed! – Hey, are you okay? – Help me, I’m stuck! (electronic beeping and whirring) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) – What happened? (woman groans) – [Woman] My arm’s
crushed, I can’t move it! – Oh that looks bad. Your dry-cleaner is never
gonna get that out, honey. – I know, right? (laughs) Now can you help me? (flatulence rumbling) – What is that stench? – The effervescent scent
of the great outdoors. – Hey, were you gonna cut your arm off? – Yeah, duh. I can’t take it anymore! – I know, right? I would totally kill myself
if I had to smell this. What happened? – I was in a plane crash. Didn’t you see? – What plane crash? – Oh never mind. A little help here? – Oh, sorry. (flatulence sputtering) What’s that? – Uh, nothing. Don’t worry about it. Get me outta here! – Uh, hold on. Wait, wait. (electronic beeping and whirring) Is that a dead body? (electronic beeping and whirring) – [Woman] You gotta be kidding me. (woman groans) (flatulence rumbling) – Ew! It is a dead body! Oh, and it looks like someone
beat the crap out of it. What happened to him? – The same thing that’ll happen to you if you don’t get me out of here. – You’re totally freaking
me out right now. – Haven’t you ever seen
a dead body before? – Recently? – Uh-huh. – Who is this? – I’m gonna die here. (flatulence sputtering) – The dead body. – My boss. Might’ve had a slight disagreement over a small financial sum. – [Ralph] Hey, you can’t take
that, those are state secrets! (woman grunts) (fists thudding) (“Game Time” by Kloudization) – No, you can’t stop me! – Cut you. Give me it back. I’m gonna cut you! Give me it back! (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) (rock rumbling) (woman screams) – There was a rock slide,
but that came after, and now I’m here! – Oh. Okay. Well do you know
how to get out of here? – Can you please help me already? – All right already, gosh! It’s all about you, isn’t it? (woman groans) Oh, there’s no way I’m gonna move this. And honey, I’m not cutting your arm off. That would be way too messy, and have you seen this
outfit that I’m wearing? – Just get that stick over there and use it like a lever to move the rocks. – Oh! Will this do? That’s too heavy. – Can you please hurry it up! – All right, all right already, gosh! (woman cries out) (Barbi sighs) (electronic beeping and whirring) – That’s good. What the? Where’d she go? (flatulence squeaking) (electronic whooshing) (Barbi squeals) Why does this keep happening to me? (Barbi whimpers) Oh god. Why is this always so… (Barbi yelps) What was that about? (Barbi squeals) – [Barbi Voiceover] Okay, that was weird. Hair tutorial girl just
vanished into the forest and now I’m left with a dead farting body. It looks so familiar. Meh, probably just my imagination. What I need to do is
center, regroup my thoughts. I might be seeing things again. Man, those mushrooms have
some gnarly acid flashbacks. Okay, I need to calm my mind. I need a zen moment. I am a woman, hear me roar. (animal roars) Okay, that was in my head, right? Okay. I am a woman, hear me roar. (animal roars) So much for tranquility. And here I was thinking
I could reach nirvana, like that one time in that
hot yoga class I tried. (animal roars) (Barbi whimpers) (Barbi screams) (animal roars) And now we’re all caught up. I’m getting pretty good
at this survival thing. I just wish I had some
pre-workout with me. Ugh, I miss my Wow Force protein. But look at me! I’m getting better at
this free-climbing thing. I’m even starting to enjoy it. I just wish I brought something other than high heel sneakers with me, but then this outfit
would not look this cute. I have this funny feeling that I might’ve taken the
long way up this mountain. But maybe there’s a signal up there! There has got to be some signal somewhere in this nature’s bag of dicks. This fast at cardio is the bomb! Damn, that was the ultimate burn! Leg day, smashed! (“Upbeat Summer Pop” by Borksford) Oh my god, I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe! (metallic clattering)
(Barbi grunts) – Whew. – [Barbi Voiceover] Ugh, much better. I think I’ve set some of record
for wearing a waist trainer. I need a break. That mountain was a little
rough for my complexion. I’m either gonna be glowing or I’m gonna need some
industrial strength facials when I get out of here. I mean, I don’t think there’s any
dirt left on the ground. It’s like all in my pores! Luckily I’m prepared for this. My Super Mega Pore Suck mud
mask should do the trick. Just need a place to sit down and do a little spa treatment. You know, it’s all about
personal care and hygiene. Good thing I’m all alone out here. I mean, if someone sees me
like this, I would just– – Die, you faceless form of a space alien! – Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, it’s me! – Shit. Didn’t recognize you. Almost blew your face off. – I’m doing a little spa treatment. – Yeah. Maybe I should blow your face off. Your pores were looking
horrible back there. – I know, right? – It’s all about personal
care and hygiene. What the hell are you
still doing here anyway? (electronic beeping and whirring) I told you how to get out of here. – I followed all your
directions to the letter and here I am. – We need to get out of here, now. – What are you thinking,
cocktails, dancing? – No, we need ex-fill ASAP. – Are they a band, they new? Never heard of them. (electronic beeping and whirring) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) – Oh Jesus. (sonic whirring) – That’s not exactly a
hunting rifle you got there. – No, it’s not. – You mean you’re not hiking or hunting? – Oh, I’m hunting. I just hope I get it before it gets me. (electronic beeping and whirring) (Barbi screams) (fist thudding) (alien roaring) – [Barbi Voiceover] What
the hell, what the hell, what the hell, what the hell! I gotta get outta here! I hate the outdoors! (alien roaring) (Kenny grunts) (electronic beeping and whirring) OMG, what should I do?
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do! He’s like an outdoorsy guy. Wait, should I help him? Nah, he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine. I think I’m just gonna get in the way. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah. I’ll just text him later. He got this. What was that? That had to be some
mutant bear lion octopus. Six eyes, tentacles. The water must be totally contaminated out here or something. My mother was right, I am gonna die a lonely spinster! Well at least my pores are glowing now. Not that it matters. (“Affective Piano” by EdRecords) Oh look, a cave! What possible dangers
can lurk inside here? Ugh, it doesn’t matter
anymore anyway, does it? I’m alone, again! Just like my whole life! I miss my phone! Just holding it makes me feel better! I’m severed from the collective! I’m never gonna find my
way out of here, am I? There will be stories
of the lonely crazy lady who lives up in the cave in the mountains. It’ll be used to scare children at night. I’ll just stop shaving, plucking, and just let everything go. I’ll eat pasta, doughnuts, pizza, stop doing squats and let
my abs get all flabby. I mean, who do I need to look good for? My whole love life has just been a mess. All I wanted was to find a nice guy, someone who will love me. But who is the real me? I’m not exactly a good person. I mean, I just left that guy to die. He was out there screaming, and I just kinda ran away, not to mention poor Jake. I have like the worst luck ever. Now that I’ve seen more of the world, I guess it’s not so important
to have a million followers. Kenny’s probably some
special forces black ops guy who doesn’t even have a
real identity, like my dad. He’s not even online and he’s still hot. Hot guys without social media? Is that even possible? Poor Kenny and Jake. OMG, does this make me like a black widow? R.I.P. They were so lit. (Barbi gasps) (“Energetic Tropical
Pop” by KakaduCreation) Huh? Ah, it was a dream. Ugh. Oh, thank goodness. (Barbi sighs) (Barbi hums) Oh, hello room, I’ve missed you. (Barbi purrs) Still got it. Mm! (Barbi gasps) (“Dirty Pitch” by Shadowkey) (man chanting) – Hello? – Hello, daughter of the universe. – My mom’s name is Diane. – We are all children of the universe. No need to worry. Nothing happens randomly. There is a divine path to everything. We are all but stardust. – Uh-huh. – The paths you have chosen and the decisions you’ve
made led you here. – Uh-huh. – And what have you learned so far from your journey, my child? – Not to wear high-heeled
sneakers while hiking. – Well, that’s a start. But what have you learned with your heart? – Not to lie on my dating profile. – Closer. Think beyond here. – I don’t know. I’ve seen some ratchet shit out there. – You have questions. – Yeah, how do I get out of here? – Excellent question. The body is just a mortal coil that we’re all trapped in. But if you free your mind, it will flow with the
energy of the universe. I can teach you ancient techniques. – No, no, I mean how do I get out of here? Oh, oh, do you get bars in here? – No. Ask yourself deeper questions. – Oh, you mean like meaningful questions. – Yes, exactly. Ask, my child. (“Indian Meditation” by Honey Lemon) – How is Jessica getting
all her followers? She’s buying her likes, isn’t she? – Oh my god. Is she real? Let me tell you a secret. The ultimate answer you’re looking for, it will end your search and will take you to a new
level of consciousness. Space time will come together, and your questions will be answered.
– Huh? – For example, when the
ancient gods came down in their flying chariots and seeded mankind with their DNA, the aliens never left. They’re still here. Touchy-feely Chuck, Bob,
and Steve tried to help, but accidentally caused the disco era and the porn industry. Then there are the lizard people. Total assholes! Homeland Security was founded
to keep them in check. They created the internet to distract the people from
what’s really going on. And that is the secret wisdom that only a few chosen
have ever been given. The knowledge will alter the
very fabric of the universe and free your mind of enslavement. – Yeah, I’m gonna go now. What a weirdo. – What, really? Looks like I picked the wrong
day to stop sniffing glue. (sharp inhaling) (zen master groans) – [Barbi Voiceover] Oh my
god, what is wrong with me? Why am I such a perv? That guy had super important junk to say. Do I need help? (“Summer Party” by MrRevant) (record scratches) – [Jessica and Barbi] O.M.G. – Barbi?
– Jessica? – [Jessica and Barbi]
What are you doing here? – I didn’t know you hiked these trails. Are you totally copying me? – Wait a minute, what trails? – The trail that’s like 10 feet that way. – What? – I come here every day. How do you think I get
those inspirational selfies? – You get those here? – Yeah. – Bag of dicks. – Wow. You’re wearing that? Brave choice. So, where have you been? You haven’t like uploaded
in like two days. People think you’re dead. Yeah. There’s like Where’s Barbi
memes all over the web. – Really? I was here. – Here? Like here? For two days? – Yeah, I was totally lost. – No way! Shut up, shut up! (Jessica gasps) You were here, lost for two days? What about the internets? – Well, I had no signal, and then naturally, my cellphone died. – You poor thing. (laughs) But thanks. Now that you’re gone, everyone has dropped your feed, and I’m the number one new selfie queen. You snooze you lose. – Bitch! (laughs) I totally knew that you
were stealing my followers and paying for subscribers. – Whatever. I just have so many companies
wanting to do collabs with me. I’m making so much money. (laughs) Good luck making a comeback. – At least my followers were real. – Aw, you’re just a sore loser. And by the way, you look like you haven’t
been doing your squats. Your ass is looking flat. Jesus, Barbi. You get lost in the woods for two days and you just let everything go. Ugh! (“Days of High Adventure” by Cinematique) Burn! (blasting) (Barbi screams) – It burns! Burn. – Yeah, burn. Tss! Too bad you didn’t have
that burn to keep you warm when you slept here for
the past two nights. – Throwing some bad shade, girl. – (laughs) Here’s more. Are you wearing your waist trainer? – Mm, no. – You should be. You’re looking a little soft. Have you been skipping ab day too? – I was–
– Oh well. Good luck. I still can’t believe you got
lost out here for two days. There are like trails everywhere. (laughs) You’re such a basic, Barbi. Laters! (laughs) Oh my god, guys, guess what? I totally just ran into
this homeless girl. Look at her, right there. (Jessica laughs) She tried to mug me! Like what the eff? Hash tag real life. I’m not kidding, people. Like this happened, right here, right now. (Jessica squeals and laughs) What the heck? I don’t even have like a,
a knife on me or anything, I don’t.
(Jessica gasps) Oh my god, she’s looking frantic. I mean, look at her,
she’s in a pink jacket. Like, I don’t even know
what she’s doing out here. – Bag of dicks!
– She tried to steal from me. – [Jessica] (laughs) Like, what? – [Barbi Voiceover] Wait. Where’s that trail? It was right there. She pointed to it and everything. Where did it go? – I’m gonna die out here, I swear. I’m totally gonna die out here. How is this possible? What? – [Barbi Voiceover] Well, that’s it, I’m officially a has-been. Dead to the world. She’s won. I’m done, it’s over. Jessica has finally got what
she wanted and replaced me. I might as well go back to the cave and party with Red Riding
Hood and hair tutorial girl. I’ll marry butter knife guy and we’ll have little
cave-dwelling monks together. Maybe we’ll get a reality show! The Brennans! Hey, is that Kenny? He’s still alive? Does that mean I’m not a black widow? – Oh hey, you again. Are you okay? – It’s dangerous. You need to leave, now! – Obviously. What the hell is going on? Every time I see you it’s some new shit. That looks disgusting. What happened to your leg! – It’s classified. I could tell you, but
I’d have to kill you. Which at this point
might not be a bad idea. – Ugh, doesn’t matter, I’m already dead. (Kenny groans) – Fine. I work for a government agency that deals with extraterrestrial allies. – Oh, you mean those three
little gray guys in the forest? I thought I was totally tripping balls. – You met Chuck, Bob, and Steve? – I think so, maybe. – Does it hurt when you sit? – A little. – Yeah. I think back on their planet
that means you’re married. – Oh, ew! No way! Ugh! Wait, hold on a second, if they’re friendly, why
are you fighting them? – No, I’m not fighting them. Chuck, Bob, and Steve are great guys. A little touchy-feely,
but still great guys. I’m fighting the other guys. – What other guys? – The eat your face off acid for blood world domination ones. Look, there’s a lot of shit going on here, but I don’t have time to
tell you all that right now. – Uh, yeah. (deep rumbling) (electronic beeping and whirring) (alien babbling) (“Heroic Blockbuster” by WolfSound) – [Barbi Voiceover] Wait! What am I doing? I can’t just leave him again! He’s saved my ass like
three times already! This might be the perfect opportunity for me to actually do something good! It’s not like I have
anything else to live for. I have to change my goals
from taking the best selfies to making the world a better place! From this day forth, I’ll never again take a box of
doughnuts to Weight Watchers! I’ll never watch another house
full of kittens burn down! I will never again sell
Ziploc bags full of corn syrup as breast implants to cancer
survivors on the Dark Web. I will never again donate
my parents’ used sex toys to children’s charity. I will never again sell
orphans into slavery! I will never again set the
homeless on fire just for lulz! I will not sit by and
watch another old lady get dragged off by coyotes. Never again! And I will never, ever eat anything that doesn’t say gluten-free! If only I had my eyes open. Not always staring at my phone! Paid more attention! What am I missing? (“Heroic and Powerful Epic” by vmv_music) (lasers blasting) There is so much more to this world than what I see on that tiny screen. I’m gonna make amends for
all the things I did wrong. Somehow, I will take
responsibility for my actions. I will make the world a better place. It’s time for me to finally grab that bag
of dicks by the balls. And I start now! (lasers blasting)
(bear roaring) (sonic whirring) (electronic beeping) (Kenny cries out) (gun whirring) (blasting) (electricity buzzing) (electronic beeping)
(alien babbling) (explosion booming) (Kenny grunts) (electronic beeping and whirring) (blasting) – [Barbi] Are you okay? – My leg’s pointed in
three different directions. I wish that beam put me together
a little bit straighter. (Kenny groans) Ow! Oh, easy kid. Where’d you learn to shoot like that? – I’m from Texas. My dad was a Marine, and my granny has a bigger gun than yours. (Kenny laughs and groans) This is gonna hurt. – Are you sure you know what you’re doing? – Um, nah. (cracking)
(Kenny screams) (Kenny grunts) – Thanks. Looks ratchet. What the hell are you doing? – Taking off a waist trainer. – What the hell are
you gonna do with that? Won’t fit my waist. (Kenny and Barbi laughing) – It’s steel-boned. – Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me. (Kenny groans) – I am not kidding you. – Pink is not my color. – It’s gonna have to work for now. There was a girl in a suit in the forest stuck under a rock. Do you know what happened to her? – Um, yeah, it’s kinda messy. Um, rogue double agent, Homeland Security, stole something very valuable. You haven’t seen a briefcase
around here, have you? – You mean this? – Um, yeah, that’s, uh, that’s definitely it. Thanks. – Um, this looks pretty good. Can you move? – Yeah, I can move. I can’t dance, but I can move. You know, you’re pretty good at this. You ever considered a
career in government work? Could use someone with your skills, but you’d have to leave
your old life behind. – Well, I’ve been offline for two days, so everybody already thinks I’m dead. – (laughs) We can give you
a cool code name like, uh, Ronan. – Oh, samurai with no master. I like it. – Oh that’s actually just the name of my favorite sushi joint down in Soho, but I like what you said too. – Hey, Chuck, Bob, and Steve, why aren’t they helping
you fight the bad guys? – (laughs) No, those guys
are lovers, not fighters, but they make great tech. Here, hold this. Yeah, need immediate extraction. – You talk to your MP3 player? (Kenny laughs) (sonic whooshing) You know, you’re, you’re kinda cute. Welcome to your new life. Take us up. (zapping) (sonic whooshing) (pterodactyl screeches) ♪ Always taking ♪ ♪ Never making ♪ ♪ Be careful what you choose ♪ ♪ One day the users bill will come too ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ – [Barbi] Hey, hey, there’s my car! (aliens babbling) No no no, you guys can
just drop me off here. (zapping) (pterodactyl screeches) Thanks! – [Barbi Voiceover] Wow,
not bad for a long weekend. Three husbands, and Kenny’s kinda cute. I’m sure Chuck, Bob, and Steve
are gonna be totally chill with me seeing other people. If it’s outside the solar system, it probably doesn’t count, right? So much for being a spinster. I can’t wait to go home
and take a nice shower. Oh, wait. I need my keys, duh. Where did I put those? Gotta be in here somewhere. I left them right here. I left them right here. Oh no. Where did I leave them last? (electronic whirring) – Hey, can I, can I put my keys on you? – [Jake] Yeah, sure. (“Upbeat Summer Pop” by Borksford) (key chain squeaks) (electronic whirring) – [Barbi Voiceover] OMG, that’s right. – Bag of dick! – [Barbi Voiceover] You’re
right, after all that. I had a spaceship, and now I have to take the bus. Worst weekend ever. ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Always taking ♪ ♪ Never making ♪ ♪ Be careful what you choose ♪ ♪ One day the users bill will come too ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Yo yo yo ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Yo yo yo ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ ♪ Breaking Barbi ♪ – Whoa! As if I haven’t had
enough, I lose my keys too. What kind of freaking world is this? Haven’t I had enough of this world? This is terrible. What am I gonna do now? Oh my god, grandma. What are you doing here? – [Angelyne] Get in the car. – Oh my god! Thank you so much! You have no idea what
I’ve just been through for the last two days! – [Angelyne] Well not
anymore, you’re okay now. – [Barbi] Yes, thank you! Yay!
– Good morning, Mark.
– Good morning. – How are you doing today?
– Yeah. A little bit of a headache,
but other than that, I’m pretty good. – [Narrator] Michelle Brasier’s worked in the school health system
for the last 47 years. She’s seen a dramatic
increase in both the variety and severity of conditions
that children come in with. – I’m a little boy, and I’ve hurt my knee. – I’m sorry, hun. Do you want me to call your mum? – I’d love for you to call my mummy, don’t tell the other boys though. – Children used to come in
with such simple things. A grazed knee or a sick tum. It’s just gotten so
complicated these days. Mark, could you just raise
your hand one more time for me?
– Absolutely. – Just your other hand.
– Ah, right. – Just shall we look at. How did you get that through there? – I was at home.
– Uh-huh. – I had breakfast. I jammed a stick through my hand. Then, I did math class.
– Just stop for a second. – So somewhere in between those events. – What’s going on? Are you anaphylactic? Broden. Broden Kelly, what’s
happening, what’s this? Broden, why have you given me an EpiPen? What’s happening, Broden,
uh-uh, Broden, Broden, no. Broden, sit.
– Ah. – Right. And that–
– That’s fine. – Just sit down.
– I can’t see. – Plop down, we’re gonna–
– I can’t see. I can’t see anything.
– Have you tried opening your eyes?
(boy gasps) Okay, okay, all right.
(boy shrieks) Okay, you never know
what issue’s gonna come through the door next so
you’re always on your toes, which is exciting. – It’s printing! – Okay.
– Woo! – Okay.
– Woo! – Oh, that’s it, okay. All right.
– Woo! – There’s a man in my ham sandwich. – Pardon? – I said there’s a man. There’s a man in my ham sandwich. Why’s there a man in there? – I got 10–
(chattering) – Oh.
– If you tell anyone about this, I will find out where you live. – All right.
– And I’ll burn your house down. Because this 10 is for Mark. – Come.
– I’m land locked! – Sit down.
– Where’s the sea? – Hey.
(Broden hums) Mm, salty air on my lungs. (grunts) The sea breeze,
breathe it in, boys. Take in that sea breeze, boys. – Oh no, he’s gone.
– Who? Who’s gone, Zach?
– I found him. – Okay.
– He’s gone. I found him. He’s gone. He’s back. He’s gone. – Is this a cowboy?
– He’s back! – Sometimes, it doesn’t even
feel like sick children. It feels like the same
three 30-year-old men walking in and doing weird shit. (man laughs) (man groans) – (laughs) I’m here. (man hums) No. (man groans) – Hi.
(man groans) – A gun shot.
– What? Oh no.
(man thumps) – Oh no! – Up, we go!
– Yes, get me onto the bed.
– Okay. – Yes. Very good. Will you make an honest woman of yourself? – Pardon? – You must marry Lord Brussleton. – Pardon? – You must marry Lord Brussleton. – I’m not–
– Then you shall make me the happiest father that’s ever did live. (prestigious music) (man exhales) – Gun shot, next on Nine. I’ve had a gun shot to my abdomen. – You want a lollipop?
– Ah, fuck yeah. – [Narrator] As for the
solutions, Michelle has no idea. – I mean, it’s just so
complicated, isn’t it? It’s like my mum used to say. I think there is nothing that
can’t be fixed by a smile. – I’m a little baby. I just came out of a vagina. (upbeat music) Nothing you’re doing is wrong This – you don’t think this would upset Jesus? I – I think you couldn’t upset Jesus if you tried. – You think Jesus Christ would see me, Mark Bonnano doing this, for this fuckin’ shoot – Yes?
– And he’d be like… “You’re gettin’ in”
On Sunday, this happened Neymar : ahh An innocent injury or a league urn conspiracy The Latin America Sniper Theory *Sniper Gun shot* Neymar : ahh i’ve been shot Messi : ha that will teach him for leaving us Suarez : uhh i have’nt pulled the trigger yet Messi : what, well who the hell shot him Cavani : Ha that will teach you from bullying me, you nasty pasty Suarez: Ha ha, Who the hell says ‘Nasty pasty’. Aha ha ha *Gun shot* Suarez: oww Suarez: Jesus Christ, Cavani: I heard that, you meanie weenie Suarez: Aha ha ha, who the hell says ‘Meanie weenie’ *Gun Shot* Suarez: oww Suarez: Jesus Christ Cavani; I heard that too, you dochebag Suarez: *panicking* okay, okay, dochebag is totally fine by me *Gun shot* Suarez: oww, Why did you do that for? Cavani: ohh sorry, I thought you were going to be a nasty pasty again Suarez: Aha ha ha ha Suarez: Who the hell says nasty pasty. Suarez: Ah ha.. Oh oh.. its only you and the *speaking nonsense* *breathing* Payet: *out of breath* Did I hear someone say pasty Payet; *Breathing heavily* Payet: I came here as fast as I could *more heavy breathing The Showboat Theory Neymar: I’m so good, i could beat you with one foot Andre Anguissa: ohh yeah, prove it Neymar: ahhh Andre Anguissa: Ha ha Neymar : I Didn’t think this through The Ballon D’or Theory Neymar:owww Ronaldo: ha ha, Another one on my Ballon D’or Shortlist bits the dust. Ronaldo: Next stop, Camp Neeeeewww The Diet Theory Neymar: oww, Who the fu*k left that there Payet: ohh sorry, It must have fallen out of my shots Payet: mmm its still edible atleast Payet:*eats pie* The Karma’s a b*tch Theory Neymar: Commence operation dive to win and free kick in 3, 2 Neymar: ohh Andre Anguissa: Fairplay, That is the most realitic diving i have ever seen you do… Deep breath.. and you didn’t even get a foul.. ha ha Which Theory do you think it was? Click ‘i’ to vote now And also check out the ‘Neymar really broke his foot burglary Phil Coutinho house theory by watching by watching the video below. Good night.
[ Telephone rings in distance ] [ Lock clicks ] -Last week,
I gave a fire-safety talk… [ Clears throat, key clangs ] …and nobody
paid any attention. It’s my own fault
for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn
in lots of different ways, but experience
is the best teacher. Today,
smoking is gonna save lives. [ Door closes ] Does anyone
smell anything smoky? -Did you
bring your jerky in again? [ Clears throat loudly ] -Oh, my God!
Uh, oh, my God! -Fire!
-Oh! Fire?! Oh, my goodness!
What’s the procedure? What do we do, people?
-The phones are dead. -Oh, how did that happen? -It’s out in the hall.
-No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming
through an air duct. -Oh, my God!
Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm.
-What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure? -Stay [bleep] calm!
-Wait, wait, wait! -Everybody
just [bleep] calm down! -No! No, Michael, no!
Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be
a fire in the hallway. -What does warm mean? -Oh, my gosh.
Try a different door. -Not a viable option.
What next? -Don’t run!
-Try the other door. -Oh, here’s a door.
Check that one out. How’s the handle?
-I-It’s warm. -Okay, go to the back door.
-Well, another option. Another op-tion!
Geez! Okay, settle down, everyone!
No bunching. -Oh, I forgot my purse.
-Leave it, woman! -Get out of the way.
Go, go, go! -Things can be replaced,
Phyllis. People — human lives —
however, can — -[ Groans ] -Aah! My hand!
That’s hot! -Aah!
This one’s hot, too! -Okay, we’re trapped.
Everyone for himself! -Okay.
-Let’s go! -Get out of my way!
-Let’s go! -Get out of my way.
-Okay, okay! Calm, please.
-Get out of the way! -Have you ever seen
a burn victim? -Move it!
-Okay! Procedure, procedure.
Exit options. Where do we go, folks?
-It’s okay. [ Cat meows ]
-Use a what to cover the mouth? A what?
A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures.
What are the options? Okay, that’s a wrong way.
We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points.
Exit points, people. -Oscar.
-What’s next, huh? -Oscar!
-Stay alive! I’m getting help! -Pull me up!
-You’re too heavy! -I only weigh 82 pounds.
[ Cat growls ] Save Bandit!
[ Cat meows ] [ Banging, cat yowls ] -How about 911?
Anyone? 911. [ Glass shatters ] [ Banging, glass shatters ] -[ Coughing ]
-What do we do? -Use the surge
of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Okay, I am not dying here.
Come on. -[ Coughing ]
[ Firecrackers popping ] -Oh! What is that?!
What is that?! -The fire’s shooting at us! -What in the name of God
is going on?! [ Coughing ]
[ Fire alarm ringing ] -Grab it.
-Battering ram! -Aah!
-Go, go, go, go, go! Aah!
[ Crashing ] -Aah! [ Glass shatters ] -Help!
Help! -Oh, my God!
[ Crashing ] [ Air horn blares ] -Attention! Employees of Dunder-Mifflin, this has been a test
of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire.
It was only a simulation. -What?!
-Fire not real. This was merely
a training exercise. [ Crashing ] So, what have we learned? Oh, come on.
It’s not real, Stanley. -Oh, my God.
-Don’t have a heart attack. -No, no, no, no, no!
You will not die. Stanley! Stanley!
You will not die! Stanley!
Stanley! Barack is president!
You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him
mouth-to-mouth. -No, no, no. Don’t give him
mouth-to-mouth for this. -He’s gonna swallow his tongue.
Open your mouth. -Michael. Michael. -Don’t swallow it!
I’m fine! Leave me — -[ Grunts ]
-I’m saving him!
♪ First day of school, nya nya nya nya nya… ♪ Whoa! What class is this? Baldi: Oh, hi! Orange: Whoa, who the heck are you? Baldi: Welcome to Baldi’s Basics! Orange: YO WHAT’CHU TALKIN’ BOUT!? Baldi: What? Orange: You’re making fun of my lack of hair AND calling me basic!? Ooh, you gonna get it! Baldi: No, no, no, no. MY name is Baldi. And this class is called Baldi’s Basics. Orange: Oh, okay. I’ll let it go this time, but only because we have the same hairstyle. (laughs) Baldi: (grunts) Orange: Oh, come on that was HAIR-larious! (laughs) Baldi: (grunts) Okay, that’s enough. Orange: Hey, Professor Baldi guy! Baldi: Just Baldi is fine! Orange: Hey! Hey, Baldi Bean Butt! Baldi: COLDER! Definitely colder! Orange: Hey, BaldI Bartle Farts McDougle Booty! Baldi: HOLY MOLEY! What is wrong with you?! Orange: You’re so bald, I bet if you took a shower, you’d get brainwashed! (laughs) Baldi: Haha, very funny. Orange: You look like Vin Diesal and Mr. Clean had a baby. (laughs) Baldi: Okay, that’s not nice, Orange! Orange: I’m just saying, you really know your bald when you use toothpaste and shampoo. (laughs) Baldi: THAT’S ENOUGH! Orange: Ugh! Baldi: Orange, this is MY classroom, and you will listen to ME! Orange: Okay, fine. Baldi: Now it’s time for everybody’s favorite subject! Orange: Pantsless Karaoke? Baldi: No! Orange: Cooking with bowling balls? Baldi: THOSE are NOT school subjects! Orange: Polar bear pillow fighting! Baldi: NO!!! Math! Everyone’s favorite subject is MATH! Orange: Said no one ever. (laughs) Baldi: Now, I’m gonna give you 3 questions! Orange: Can they be questions about kazoos? I’m REALLY good at questions about kazoos. Baldi: UGHHH!!! Now, the questions will be on this handy-dandy Think Pad! Here you go! Orange: Cool! It looks like Big Bird crapped on a speak n’ spell! (laughs) Baldi: (groans) Now, problem 1. 7 + 9=Orange: WHAAAAT? 7 and 9 can’t be in a math problem together! Baldi: What? Why not? Orange: Because 7 8 9! (laughs) Baldi: GRRRRR!!! Orange: Hmmm… carry the 5… move the decimal over 3 places… divide by a hamster ball… Baldi: Grrr! Did you just say, “divide by a hamster ball?” Orange: Yeah! That’s the step that comes before multiplying it by Justin Bieber’s nipple, right? (laughs) Baldi: (groans) Okay! If you’re having trouble with the problem, think of it this way! If you had 7 kazoos, and I gave you 9 more kazoos, how many kazoos would you have? Orange: Honestly, I still wouldn’t have enough kazoos. Baldi: (stutters) No! Orange: I’d probably have to steal Pear’s credit card and buy at least a bajillion more from Kazoos R’ Us. Baldi: This isn’t a philosophical question about how many kazoos are enough to make you happy! Orange: Of course, if you gave me 9 kazoos that were magic kazoos that had wish-granting genies inside of them, that’d be a different story all-together. Baldi: Orange, you’re getting off-track and- Orange: Cuz then I’d wish for a kazoo cloning machine! Then I’d never run out of kazoos, like, ever! Baldi: ORANGE! 7+9! Orange: Sheesh, okay! 16! The answer is 16! Baldi: Fantastic! You’re doing great! Orange: Hey-hey! Thanks! Now, back to the kazoos! Baldi: PROBLEM 2!!!! 5-3=Orange: (groans) I’m bored of math! Does this thing play Fortnite? Baldi: NO! Orange: Hey, why hasn’t anybody made a game called Fartnite? Now that would be a real GAS! (farts and laughs) Baldi: Orange!!! Orange: Okay, okay. 2! As in you can’t have toot without two! (farts and laughs again) Baldi: Good job! You did great! Orange: Thanks! I’m pretty skilled at farting! (farts for the 3rd time) Baldi: THAT’S ENOUGH FARTING! (Orange laughs) Now, Orange, it’s time for problem 3! Orange: Pollen tree? Baldi: Problem 3! Orange: Goblin knee? Baldi: PROBLEM 3! Baldi: You gotta pee? Gross, dude! TMI! (laughs) Baldi: AHHH!! I’ve HAD IT with you!!! HERE’S YOUR PROBLEM 3!! *̧͕͎̗̞̩̫̙̠͔̠̾̅̉̅̀͜͟ͅ@̷̢͉͉̱̳͚̘̳̬̥̭̭̠̤͕̜̤ͭ̓̓̒̄͗ͦ̃ͭ̃̇̈̔͛̇̒̈́͞#̱̺̮͈̗͈̻ͨ̎̓̊̓ͬͬ͒͗ͫ͑̇̎̑̈́̅ͮ̚͘͘͠&̵̛̳̘̪͙͉̲͇̭̪̰̳̻̋̄ͨ̉̆̀ͤ̅͋ͬ͌̽̋̓͘͞͡*̨̟̭̻̯̮̻͙ͯ̐́ͨ͑́̅̌̉̉̀͗ͥ̍̃̓ͪ͌͘@͖͍̺͙̦͙̼̙͓̤͉̤̳̍ͩ̈́ͣ̋͐ͤ̆ͬ̀̈̀̐͟͡ͅͅ&̶̝͍̙͚̮̳̝̰̟̞͕̤̾̅̀ͣ̿̑͌̓̕͡ͅͅ^̷̡̛͚̺̬̝͍͔͙͓͔̭̝͍̄̓͋̔̒!̨̛̯̰̣̣͚͉̥͍͕ͤ̿̄̈́̃̋ͮͩ̍ͨ̋͊͋͋̽̀̈́͢#̺̼̳̗̳̻͙̝̱̝̲̯̰̗̻̤͂̑͛̂ͧ̉̓͊̄̆ͧ̀͢*̷̧͔̙̰͇̻̪̜̿̿̓̓̌̏ͮ̌̓͐̂̔́&̸̸̘̰̰̣͎̖̥͖͚̙̤̤͇̊ͩ͒͗̒ͭ̏͐͒̄ͫͥ̌͂̃̐̒͊̕ͅ!̷̧̬̖͔͈̲͇͊͂͒́̅̋̀̓͟͟#̢̪̖̺̖̘̽ͦ͐͟͞͠ͅͅ?̨̜̞̟̰̇̐͗ͪ̎ͧ̒̇̌̓͐͊͊̃̑͋ͥ̄͘͠&̢̥̱͇̤̝̱͙͓̤̦̘̳̓ͥ̃͋̊̈́̐̽̀ͅͅ*̙̮̬̩͉̯̺̙̘͙̤̪̬͕̽̓ͭ́͌͑̓͋̉ͨ̆͂̀̀͜͜͡$̨̧̹͇͓̯̯͍̺͔̙͖̞̭͍͛͒ͫͫ͋̓̅͑̅͌͒͛̀́!̧̧̏ͣ͋͛͊͌͒ͪ̎̔ͬ̽̆ͥ͡͏̖̫̞̼̯̘̻̙̘̘̳̻͇̟̖͕*̨̜͎͓̬͎̤̞͍͍͇̙̗̤̿͒̅ͭ̋ͩ̉ͤ̊ͥ̓̕͢͢͝(̄͌̀͌ͨ͗̾ͦͥ̀͞҉̟͇͍͈̮̙͚̭͕̼̖͙̭̤̳̻̲̬̝͜%̵̴̴̝͎͕͇̺̲͇ͥͬͯ̉̓̄̐̿̍ͥ̋͋̆̉ͤ̇ͣ͆$̶̷̼̙͍̻̘̬͎̲̽ͩͩ̍̒ͦ͋ͦͦ̃͛͋̌ͫ̂̓̽̑͘*̴̞̥̦̣̮͉̗̤̘̯͔̯̳̗͚͔͙̰ͭ̋ͤ̋̌̍ͦ̊̈ͯ̂́&̴̸͈͔̟̙̣̺̱̤͈͍̲̟̮̣̽̆ͯ̔ͩ̐̋̑̍͒̿ͫͦ̈́̃͊͘͠ͅ@̴̛͖̜̣̪̥̣̮̤̹̞͎̓́ͧ̃́̋ͪͭ͋̂́̾̋́́͜ Orange: Emm… I think your boring machine is broken. Baldi: Oh, it’s not broken. YOU have to answer it! Just like that! And remember, I get angrier every problem you get wrong! Orange: WORK, YOU STUPID MACHINE!!! MAKE MORE SENSE!!! Baldi: Hey! STOP THAT! Orange: Nah, I’m gonna keep doing it. AHHHHHHH! Baldi: HEY! Orange: PLAY FORTNITE, YOU BIG BIRD TURD! Baldi: GRRR!! Gimme that! Orange: Hey! I was breaking that! Baldi: I am DONE teaching math!! Now it’s time to teach you a NEW lesson! YOU! You are the most IRRITATING pile of pulp EVER!!! If being annoying was an olympic sport, you’d win! Orange: First Prize? Baldi: Yes! You’d win first prize! Now, time for that lesson! Orange: No! First Prize! Baldi: What? 1st Prize: I see you! Baldi: AHHHH!!!!! 1st Prize: Will you marry me? Orange: Whoa! Baldi sure is a PUSHOVER! (laughs) Ohh… Playtime: Let’s play! Orange: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Playtime: Heeheehee! Orange: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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