>>James: JENNY, DID YOU GET
UP TO MANY SHENANIGANS AS A KID.>>I’M PRETTY GOOD. I THINK I’M KIND OF, NOT LIKE A
BAD MOUTH. I’M THE MIDDLE CHILD AND AS A
PERSON I NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION. THAT’S WHY I’M SITTING HERE. AND I READ THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
CALLED BOY, THAT– THE AUTHOR WROTE ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD AND HE
WROTE ABOUT FAKING APPENDICITIS AND THERE WAS ONE DAY I WAS
GOING TO THE DOCTOR FOR A CHECKUP CHECKUP AND NOT FEELING
LIKE I WAS GETTING ANY ATTENTION. I SORT OF FELT IT OUT FOR A
SECOND. AND I WAS LIKE, AND THEY WERE
LIKE WHAT’S WRONG. AND I’M LIKE, AM I DOING THIS, I
I’M DOING IT I HAVE A PAIN ON MY RIGHT SIDE. AND THEY WERE LIKE WHAT DOES IT
FEEL LIKE. AND I JUST SAID WHAT I READ IN
THE BOOK. AND I JUST THOUGHT EVERYBODY
WOULD BE LIKE OH MY GOD, WE HAVE TO GET NINTENDO, WE HAVE– KNOW,
OH MY GOD, YOU NEED THE BARBY VAN, POOR YOU, YOU HAVE TO GET A
LAND LINE IN YOUR ROOM, INSTEAD WE ARE LIKE SHE HAS
APPENDICITIS, CALL THE AMBULANCE RIGHT NOW. THEN I WAS LIKE EVEN MORE
EXCITED BECAUSE EVERYONE IS LIKE JENNY! , EVERYONE IS SAYING MY NAME,
LINE– JENNY, JENNY, OH MY GOD, LOOK HOW SCARED THEY ARE OF
LOSING ME. I’M SO PRECIOUS. BUT THEN WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL
AND THERE WASN’T ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME. BUT THEY KEPT TRYING TO FIND
OUT. AND LIKE IT WAS– I KEPT TRYING
TO MOVE IT, LIKE INTO MY STOMACH BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID I WAS GOING
TO GET AN OPERATION. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED IS IS
THAT JUST A LOT OF PEOPLE TRIED TO SEE WHAT, THEY JUST ALL
LOOKED UP MY BUTT FOR DAYS. TRIED TO GET ALL THE POOP OUT OF
ME. EVERYONE IS LOOKING UP THERE.>>DID YOU EVER CONFESS.>>I DID, ACTUALLY, I FAKED
THAT, AND THEY WERE LIKE YOU DIDN’T.>>I DID, YOU FAKED IT, NO, JEN,
YOU WERE REALLY SICK.>>YEAH.>>OH MY GOD, THAT IS I GREAT
LESSON FOR ALL OF YOU.>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>UNLESS YOU LOVE ENEMAS.
>>>NEXT ON C-SPAN, THE DAILY
WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING WITH PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>SETTLE DOWN!
SETTLE DOWN! SETTLE DOWN!
BEFORE WE BEGIN, I KNOW THAT MYSELF AND THE PRESS HAVE GOTTEN
OFF TO A ROCKY START. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IN A SENSE, WHEN I SAY ROCKY START, I MEAN IT IN THE SENSE OF
“ROCKY” THE MOVIE. BECAUSE I CAME OUT HERE TO PUNCH
YOU! IN THE FACE!
AND ALSO I DON’T TALK SO GOOD. SO I’D LIKE TO BEGIN TODAY BY
APOLOGIZING ON BEHALF OF YOU, TO ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] FOR HOW YOU TREATED ME IN THE
LAST TWO WEEKS. AND THAT APOLOGY IS NOT
ACCEPTED. [ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE I’M NOT HERE TO BE YOUR BUDDY, I’M HERE TO SWALLOW GUM,
I’M HERE TO TAKE NAMES. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY, NOW LET ME WAVE SOMETHING
SHINY IN FRONT OF YOU MONKEYS! I’LL GET BACK TO YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] AS YOU KNOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP
ANNOUNCED HIS SUPREME COURT PICK ON THE NATIONAL TV TODAY.
WHEN HE ENTERED THE ROOM, THE CROWD GREETED HIM WITH A
STANDING OVATION. WHICH LASTED A FULL 15 MINUTES.
YOU CAN CHECK THE TAPE. EVERYONE WAS SMILING.
EVERYONE WAS HAPPY. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE MEN ALL HAD ERECTIONS. AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE
WOMEN WAS OVULATING LEFT AND RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND NO ONE, NO ONE WAS SAD.
THOSE ARE THE FACTS FOREVER AND THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE.
WE GOT SOMETHING X, THREE, FOUR, CAPITAL P, CAPITAL T, EIGHT,
FOUR — NO, THAT’S MY E-MAIL PASS WORD, FORGET THAT.
STOP WRITING THAT DOWN! NOW.
PRESIDENT’S SCHEDULE FOR TODAY, 3:45, PRESIDENT WILL HOST AN
ENCORE SCREENING OF “FINDING DORY.”
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY?
THE STORY OF A FORGETFUL FISH, OKAY?
EVERYBODY LIKES THAT. THEN AT 6:00 P.M. HE’S GOING TO
ABOLISH THE NATIONAL PARK SYSTEM.
BUT “DORY”! GOOD STUFF.
SO IF NOBODY HAS ANY QUESTIONS —
>>OKAY, A COUPLE QUESTIONS. GO.
GLEN FLUSH, “NEW YORK TIMES,” BOO!
GO AHEAD.>>YEAH, I WANTED TO ASK ABOUT
THE TRAVEL BAN ON MUSLIMS.>>IT’S NOT A BAN.
>>I’M SORRY?>>NOT A BAN.
THE TRAVEL BAN IS NOT A BAN WHICH MAKES IT NOT A BAN.
>>YOU JUST CALLED IT A BAN.>>BECAUSE I’M USING YOUR WORDS.
YOU SAID BAN. YOU SAID BAN, NOW I’M SAYING —
>>THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, AND I QUOTE, “IF THE BAN WERE
ANNOUNCED WITH A ONE-WEEK NOTICE —
>>YEAH, EXACTLY, YOU JUST SAID THAT.
HE’S QUOTING YOU. IT’S YOUR WORDS.
HE’S USING YOUR WORDS WHEN YOU USED THE WORDS AND HE USES THEM
BACK, IT’S CIRCULAR USING OF THE WORD AND THAT’S FROM YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WHAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>SERIOUSLY GLEN, ARE YOU GOING
TO START WITH ME RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY NUTS OUT SO YOU CAN GET A BETTER
KICK AT THEM?>>YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN THAT I
WOULD ASK THAT QUESTION –>>SIT DOWN, GLEN.
WHO HERE — JUST BY SHOW OF HANDS, WHO HATES GLEN?
QUICK SHOW OF HANDS. EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY.
ONE, TWO, THREE, INFINITY. NOW, LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT
EVERYONE RAISED THEIR HANDS AND EVERYBODY HATES GLEN.
PRINT THAT THAT’S YOUR STORY. NEXT QUESTION.
GO.>>YES, I’D LIKE TO ASK ABOUT
STEVE BANNON’S ROLE ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL.
>>OKAY, THAT’S A DUMB QUESTION. THAT’S A STUPID QUESTION.
SIT DOWN, GLEN.>>MY NAME IS NOT GLEN.
>>I KNOW, I’M JUST SAYING “GLEN” LIKE IN A GENERAL GLEN.
IT’S YOUR WORD, IT’S YOUR WORD. NEXT, GO.
>>YEAH, I’M ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT STEVE BANNON, A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE’S THE ONE BEHIND THIS MUSLIM BAN.
>>YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS STILL AREN’T GETTING IT.
YOU NEED SOME PROPS? MY WORD’S TOO BIG, I GOT TO SHOW
YOU IN PICTURES? GREAT, HERE WE GO.
WHEN IT COMES TO THE DECISIONS THE CONSTITUTION GIVES OUR
PRESIDENT LOTS OF POWER. AND STEVE BANNON IS THE KEY
ADVISER. [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY? AND OUR PRESIDENT WILL NOT BE
DETERRED. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IN HIS FIGHT AGAINST RADICAL
MOOSE-LAMBS. NOW DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE ANY
QUESTIONS?>>YEAH, “WALL STREET JOURNAL.”
ARE YOU OKAY? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT!
YOU CANNOT COME AT ME LIKE THAT, I WILL PUT YOU IN THE CORNER
WITH CNN!>>WE’RE NOT FAKE NEWS!
>>YOU LIKE THAT, YOU LIKE THAT, DORK?
YOU LIKE THAT, DORK? [ LAUGHTER ]
COOL OUT, ALL RIGHT? OBVIOUSLY I’VE BEEN GETTING A
LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BETSY DeVOS, OKAY?
NOMINEE FOR SECRETARY OF EDUCATION.
SO WE ACTUALLY HAVE HER HERE TODAY TO FIELD SOME FEW — FIELD
FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS — WHICH I’M SURE SHE’S CAPABLE OF DOING.
BETSY! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO. THANK YOU, YEAH.
YES. THE MAN?
>>HI. I DON’T THINK WE EVER GOT A
CLEAR ANSWER ON THIS. HOW DO YOU VALUE GROWTH VERSUS
PROFICIENCY IN MEASURING PROGRESS IN STUDENTS?
[ LAUGHTER ]>>YEAH, WELL, I — I DON’T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT SCHOOL. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I DO — I DO THINK THERE SHOULD BE A SCHOOL.
PROBABLY JESUS SCHOOL. AND I DO THINK IT SHOULD
HAVE WALLS AND ROOF AND GUN FOR POTENTIAL GRIZZLY —
>>THANK YOU. THAT’S ENOUGH FOR NOW.
THANK YOU. I’LL ACCEPT ONE LAST QUESTION.
YEAH I’LL TAKE THIS LOSER.>>I’VE GOT A QUESTION ABOUT THE
STATEMENT THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED ON HOLOCAUST
REMEMBRANCE DAY. DO YOU THINK IT WAS ANTI-SEMITIC
TO NOT EVEN MENTION THE JEWISH PEOPLE IN THIS STATEMENT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>THIS IS SOAPY WATER AND I’M
WASHING THAT FILTHY LYING MOUTH OUT!
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
FIRST OF ALL, HOW COULD THE STATEMENT, A STATEMENT BE
ANTI-SEMITIC? THE GUY WHO WROTE IT WAS SUPER
JEWY. [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY? AND THE FACT IS A LOT OF
DIFFERENT PEOPLE SUFFERED IN THE HOLOCAUST, IT WASN’T JUST THE
JEWS. IT WAS ALSO THE GYPSIES, THE
LESBIES, AND THESE OTHER GUYS. THAT’S YOUR WORDS.
YOUR WORDS! THAT’S ENOUGH FOR TODAY.
SPICY’S GOT TO GO BYE-BYE RIGHT NOW, NEED A BIG-BOY NAP.
WAKE ME UP EXACTLY ONE MINUTE BEFORE TOMORROW’S PRESS
CONFERENCE. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT!>>YEAH, THAT ALREADY HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
You are doomed, Doctor. Doomed! You are piloting
your TARDIS into a deadly trap, and even you will not suspect until it’s far too late. You know if you’re going to spy on me, you
really should turn the speaker off. What? Ho- my dear Doctor, after our many centuries
of conflict, naturally I wished you to know that your certain death … is now … certain! But even you will never suspect that your destruction awaits you on planet
Zaston 4. You only turned the picture off, I’m afraid.
I can still hear you. I know that … of course I know that … curse
you! And I wanted to talk to you anyway, I have
some news that even my arch enemy needs to hear. Meet me on the planet Tursurus in two
hours, relative time. And do try not to be late.
Mock me while you may, Doctor. My revenge will be all the sweeter. And it will be a
deadly vengeance! It will be the deadly vengeance of deadly … revenge!Where are we, Doctor? The planet Tursurus. Once home to the Tursurogs,
the most kindly and peace-loving race I’ve ever encountered, and yet the most shunned
and abhorred species in all history. Why? They could communicate only be precisely-modulated
gastric emission. Oh no! Planet of the bottom-burpers! So what
happened to them? They discovered fire. Oh!No doubt because no-one has
set foot on this planet for a hundred years, you thought you had escaped my traps of death
— but you forget, Doctor. I too have a TARDIS. When you told me to meet you at Castle Tursurus,
I simply travelled back in time a hundred years — and I bribed the architect! Say hello
to the Spikes of Doom. Say hello to the Sofa of Reasonable Comfort!
Naturally I anticipated your journey back in time, and so I travelled slightly further
back – and bribed the architect first. Or so you think! Naturally I anticipated your
travelling back in time, so I travelled back in time to an even further point — and I
bribed the architect first!Well naturally I anticipated your journey
back to an even further point- -Doctor will you stop showing off, you’ve
got something to tell the Master, just tell him!
Very well. I recently calculated that I have saved every planet in the known universe a
minimum of twenty-seven times. But you know, I have grown weary of all the evil in the
cosmos. All the cruelty, all the suffering. All those endless gravel quarries. And so
I have decided to retire, settle down – and get married.
What?! Yes. Without even knowing I was looking, I
have found a woman to love. A woman more fascinating than all my travels through time and space.
A girl more exciting than an escape up a ventilation shaft. A lover more thrilling than an army
of cybernetic slugs. Ugh — sadly doctor I cannot wish you a long
and happy marriage. Because the moment I’m done with this nauseating conversation, I
shall travel back in time once more — and buy the architect an expensive dinner, and
suggest he puts a lever just here — and a trap door leading to the vast and disgusting
sewers of Tursurus — exactly there! Prepare for five hundred miles of fear and faeces!
Goodbye forever, Mr and Mrs Doctor!Since you appear to have fallen down the sewer,
you won’t be able to have dinner with the architect — although in fact, he’s already
eaten, because I had dinner with him and suggested he place the trap door right here. Come along,
my dear. Not so fast! How can he be here? He just fell in the sewers!
And why is he so much older? Because it’s taken me three hundred and twelve
years to climb out of those sewers! And then naturally you found your TARDIS and
travelled back in time to the present day — no doubt to wreak one of your terrible
revenge things. Yes — but this time I did not come alone! After three centuries of climbing through those sewers, only the Daleks would
accompany me — because only the Daleks don’t have noses.
SO DOCTOR, WE MEET AGAIN Yes, how are things? Observe, Doctor! I am no longer merely a Time
Lord! My body has been augmented — by superior Dalek technology!
So what can you do with that, then? What? You don’t know, do you? EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE-
Stop, no! After three hundred and twelve years of climbing through the biggest and most disgusting
sewers in the cosmos … after three centuries of wading through those vast, steamy lakes
— climbing those huge, squelchy mountains … after a lifetime of only dung-slugs for
food and the occasional company on those long, lonely nights … after all that, I’m going
to kill the Doctor myself! With my own, bare hands! Die, Doctor! Die!
Don’t worry. I believe he knows the way out.Six hundred and twenty-four years
… in a sodding sewer! This way!
This way! EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE,
EXTERMINATE After them, you fools! Get them! Nine hundred
and thirty-six years … in a sewer. Wait for me, wait for me.
These corridors all look the same! We should be safe in here. EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE
So, given that exterminating you would be the most sensible thing to do, why do they
always change their minds at the last moment? I’ll explain later.
Behold! Once again I have been augmented by superior Dalek technology, rejuvenating my
physical form and granting me even more power over the cosmos.
And, I notice — breasts. They’re not breasts, okay! They’re Dalek bumps.
They can detect ion-charged emissions, and operate as etheric beam locators, at a distance
of up to twenty thousand light-years!They’re also extremely firm.
What are you trying to say? Oh … nothing. Why are the Daleks helping you? What are you
giving them in return? I have granted them secrets of the Zectronic
energy beam. Oh no, you fool — with a Zectronic energy
beam the Daleks will be able to conquer the entire universe within minutes.
With just a beam? How?! I’ll explain later.
PREPARE TO OPERATE THE ZECTRONIC BEAM IN FIVE DALEK MINUTES
I obey. You may conquer the universe but you’ll have
to share it with the beard and the bosoms over there.
THE MASTER WILL BE EXTERMINATED WHEN HE HAS SERVED HIS PURPOSE
Psst!If the master knew that the Daleks intend to kill him, he might help
us. But how are you going to tell him without
the Daleks hearing? They’ll exterminate you on the spot if you say anything! I think we’ve
really had it this time! Don’t cancel our wedding yet my darling, there’s
just one thing you’ve forgotten. What? Daleks don’t have noses! Scraping the barrel a bit there aren’t you?
Think, my dear! Back on Tursurus the Master and I both bribed the castle architect — not
only do I speak perfect Tursurun, but so does he!
You mean? Yes — I can communicate the master with carefully
controlled breaking of wind. Could I be tied to a different chair?
SILENCE Why do you have chairs on a Dalek spaceship
anyway? WE WILL EXPLAIN LATER.
Danger? [Fart noise]
[Sniffing] You are facing certain doom? Certain doom?!The Daleks are planning to exterminate you
as soon as you twiddy heepy jeep weep- Sorry, that was me.
CEASE THIS COMMUNICATOR – YOU HAVE BETRAYED THE DALEKS. EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE You fools! This Zectronic beam controller
will now not only explode, it will implode! We’re doomed!
PREPARE THE ZECTRONIC BEAM It is beyond my abilities. Only the Doctor
can do it! Help him! He’s dying! Yes, my darling? He, uh — he says I love you Oh, Doctor! You’ve killed him!
I think not, my child. This is only his ninth body. He has many, many more. Behold! The
miracle of the Time Lord! Oh, sorry about that — I thought I’d just
slip into something more comfortable. Result — cute, sexy, and lick-the-mirror handsome.
I remember you, don’t I? Then you still fear me, Doctor? You’re the camp one.
I’m not camp! Oh yeah? Nice tits!
Bumps. I remember you lot, of course. And er — you’re
my … fiancé? You remember me then! How could I possibly forget the only time-travelling
companion I ever had? You’ve had lots of companions.
The only time-travelling companion I ever … had.
Oh, right. It’s still me in here, Emma. These old hearts
are still yours. Do you still love me in my new body?
Actually I don’t think I’ll have too much of a problem with that — back to the TARDIS!
ELECTRONIC BEAM CONTROLLER IS GOING TO EXPLODE HELP US DOCTOR, AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE SPARED What better way to end my career than saving you metal gits. Pop into the TARDIS,
get a bottle of good champagne, when you come out we’ll start celebrating the beginning
of our new life together. Great!
I think in my new body I’m going to be particularly good at rewiring Oh, bugger!
Doctor?! Ah! You’re my fiancé, aren’t you. Oh dear
… seem to be a bit shy of girls now. One of the problems of changing personas, they’re
so unpredictable! Doctor, look at me!
In a minute — oh dear, another girl! I’m not a girl, Doctor, I’ve told you before
— these are Dalek bumps. They can locate etheric beam emissions, and … everything
… So, er — you don’t want to try again, do
you? Yes, probably not a bad idea, actually — shouldn’t
be too much of a problem — actually I think the problem’s probably located in this area.
Result! Oh dear, now look at that, I’ve gone and used
up three whole bodies in just under a minute and all because I forgot to unplug first,
that really was terribly silly of me. Sorry about that, my dear. Bit unfortunate. Oh, Doctor! Oh, Assistant Doctor! Residual energy — I’m a stupid ass, should
have realised IF THE DOCTOR WILL SAVE THE DALEKS HIS LIFE
WILL BE SPARED No! His life is already lost — that was a
discharge of pure Zectronic energy. Even a Time Lord cannot survive its terrible power.
But he can just change again, can’t you Doctor! I’m afraid not, my dear. Zectronic energy
— too powerful. It has destroyed my ability to regenerate. I’m afraid this is … the
end. Look after the universe for me. I’ve put a lot of work into it.
But how can we look after it, without you? I’ll … explain …
Doctor! Listen to me! You can’t die, you’re too … you’re too nice! Too brave! Too kind!
And far, far too silly … you’re like Father Christmas! The wizard of Oz! Scooby-Doo! And
I love you very much. And we all need you. And you simply cannot die!
He was the best and bravest of all my foes. From this day forward I will renounce evil,
and follow the path of goodness to honour my fallen foe.
THE DOCTOR SAVED THE DALEKS. THE DALEKS TOO WILL HONOUR THEIR MORTAL ENEMY
He was never cruel, and never cowardly. And it’ll never be safe to be scared again. It’s impossible! Beyond all known laws of the universe!
Maybe even the universe can’t bear to be without the Doctor.
Emma, look! I’ve got etheric beam locators! No, Doctor. I’m afraid those are actual breasts.
Are you sure? I think I can see the on switch! No Doctor, we have to face facts — you’ve
come back to life and this time, you’re a woman.
Really?! I’ve always wanted to get my hands on one of these!
Unfortunately I haven’t. Your mother’s going to get a bit of a surprise
at the wedding, isn’t she! Do you think we’ll both wear white?
I’m afraid, Doctor — and I’m not sure this sentence has ever been used so completely
accurately before, but — you’re just not the man I fell in love with.
Well, never mind. We can still rattle around the universe, fighting monsters and saving
planets, what could be more fun? My best friend by my side, my trusty TARDIS — and of course,
my sonic screwdriver.Oh look, it’s got three settings!
Doctor, stop that! Doctor I have to say, you are rather … gorgeous!
I’m not bad, am I? And come to think of it, you’re a great deal more attractive than I
remember. Why, thank you.
Tell me, why do they call you the Master? … I’ll explain later.
Macdj (whisper) : Is there a math exam ? Layka (whisper) : I don’t know (Layka laugh) Macdj (whisper) : Damn… Ask to Texan! Layka (whisper) : Texan Layka (whisper) : Psst! Layka (whisper) : What are the answers of the math exam ? (the team is laughing) Layka (whisper) : Hey ! Hey ! Don’t you think the teacher is pretty boring? Layka (whisper) : He is a bit tight-ass, isn’t he ? Macdj (whisper) : I think he’s got a crappy face! Macdj (whisper) : I don’t like his makeup! Layka (whisper) : shhh shhh shhh !! Macdj : Hey ! Macdj : Please, Sir… Macdj : Can I take some of this ?? (everyone is laughing) Layka : What is it ? (Layka realizes and laughs) Layka : Hey. Where did you think you were ? (Layka laughs) Layka (laughing) : With your suit Layka (laughing) : Plus, you’re smaller than me now Macdj : What’s your deal ? Layka : You got a problem ? Macdj : What does he want the Power Rangers ? (everyone is laughing) (everyone is laughing) Reyep (laughing) : That’s not possible (everyone is laughing) Reyep : Mac stop your bullshits! Reyep : Ooh, damn… (inaudible speech) Reyep : Oooh, damn… (Reyep is laughing) (Layka is laughing) (inaudible speech) (everyone is laughing) Reyep : I didn’t even pick the car! Reyep : I didn’t even pick the car, I don’t even know what do we have to do! Reyep (laughing) : What is it ?? (Reyep laughs) Layka (laughing) : I can’t see no more Reyep (laughing) : That’s enough! Reyep (to his car) : Come on, turn around… Layka : Wait Layka : Go ahead, go ahead! Layka : That’s fine ? (Layka laughs) Reyep (laughing) : She is disgusting… Reyep (laughing) : This asshole… Reyep (explaining the others) : She helps me turning my car and she says “That’s fine?” and boom! Layka : Hey we’re really at the same speed, is it voluntary or you’re at your maximum ? Macdj : No, i’m at my maximum
– Good morning, Mark.
– Good morning. – How are you doing today?
– Yeah. A little bit of a headache,
but other than that, I’m pretty good. – [Narrator] Michelle Brasier’s worked in the school health system
for the last 47 years. She’s seen a dramatic
increase in both the variety and severity of conditions
that children come in with. – I’m a little boy, and I’ve hurt my knee. – I’m sorry, hun. Do you want me to call your mum? – I’d love for you to call my mummy, don’t tell the other boys though. – Children used to come in
with such simple things. A grazed knee or a sick tum. It’s just gotten so
complicated these days. Mark, could you just raise
your hand one more time for me?
– Absolutely. – Just your other hand.
– Ah, right. – Just shall we look at. How did you get that through there? – I was at home.
– Uh-huh. – I had breakfast. I jammed a stick through my hand. Then, I did math class.
– Just stop for a second. – So somewhere in between those events. – What’s going on? Are you anaphylactic? Broden. Broden Kelly, what’s
happening, what’s this? Broden, why have you given me an EpiPen? What’s happening, Broden,
uh-uh, Broden, Broden, no. Broden, sit.
– Ah. – Right. And that–
– That’s fine. – Just sit down.
– I can’t see. – Plop down, we’re gonna–
– I can’t see. I can’t see anything.
– Have you tried opening your eyes?
(boy gasps) Okay, okay, all right.
(boy shrieks) Okay, you never know
what issue’s gonna come through the door next so
you’re always on your toes, which is exciting. – It’s printing! – Okay.
– Woo! – Okay.
– Woo! – Oh, that’s it, okay. All right.
– Woo! – There’s a man in my ham sandwich. – Pardon? – I said there’s a man. There’s a man in my ham sandwich. Why’s there a man in there? – I got 10–
(chattering) – Oh.
– If you tell anyone about this, I will find out where you live. – All right.
– And I’ll burn your house down. Because this 10 is for Mark. – Come.
– I’m land locked! – Sit down.
– Where’s the sea? – Hey.
(Broden hums) Mm, salty air on my lungs. (grunts) The sea breeze,
breathe it in, boys. Take in that sea breeze, boys. – Oh no, he’s gone.
– Who? Who’s gone, Zach?
– I found him. – Okay.
– He’s gone. I found him. He’s gone. He’s back. He’s gone. – Is this a cowboy?
– He’s back! – Sometimes, it doesn’t even
feel like sick children. It feels like the same
three 30-year-old men walking in and doing weird shit. (man laughs) (man groans) – (laughs) I’m here. (man hums) No. (man groans) – Hi.
(man groans) – A gun shot.
– What? Oh no.
(man thumps) – Oh no! – Up, we go!
– Yes, get me onto the bed.
– Okay. – Yes. Very good. Will you make an honest woman of yourself? – Pardon? – You must marry Lord Brussleton. – Pardon? – You must marry Lord Brussleton. – I’m not–
– Then you shall make me the happiest father that’s ever did live. (prestigious music) (man exhales) – Gun shot, next on Nine. I’ve had a gun shot to my abdomen. – You want a lollipop?
– Ah, fuck yeah. – [Narrator] As for the
solutions, Michelle has no idea. – I mean, it’s just so
complicated, isn’t it? It’s like my mum used to say. I think there is nothing that
can’t be fixed by a smile. – I’m a little baby. I just came out of a vagina. (upbeat music) Nothing you’re doing is wrong This – you don’t think this would upset Jesus? I – I think you couldn’t upset Jesus if you tried. – You think Jesus Christ would see me, Mark Bonnano doing this, for this fuckin’ shoot – Yes?
– And he’d be like… “You’re gettin’ in”
On Sunday, this happened Neymar : ahh An innocent injury or a league urn conspiracy The Latin America Sniper Theory *Sniper Gun shot* Neymar : ahh i’ve been shot Messi : ha that will teach him for leaving us Suarez : uhh i have’nt pulled the trigger yet Messi : what, well who the hell shot him Cavani : Ha that will teach you from bullying me, you nasty pasty Suarez: Ha ha, Who the hell says ‘Nasty pasty’. Aha ha ha *Gun shot* Suarez: oww Suarez: Jesus Christ, Cavani: I heard that, you meanie weenie Suarez: Aha ha ha, who the hell says ‘Meanie weenie’ *Gun Shot* Suarez: oww Suarez: Jesus Christ Cavani; I heard that too, you dochebag Suarez: *panicking* okay, okay, dochebag is totally fine by me *Gun shot* Suarez: oww, Why did you do that for? Cavani: ohh sorry, I thought you were going to be a nasty pasty again Suarez: Aha ha ha ha Suarez: Who the hell says nasty pasty. Suarez: Ah ha.. Oh oh.. its only you and the *speaking nonsense* *breathing* Payet: *out of breath* Did I hear someone say pasty Payet; *Breathing heavily* Payet: I came here as fast as I could *more heavy breathing The Showboat Theory Neymar: I’m so good, i could beat you with one foot Andre Anguissa: ohh yeah, prove it Neymar: ahhh Andre Anguissa: Ha ha Neymar : I Didn’t think this through The Ballon D’or Theory Neymar:owww Ronaldo: ha ha, Another one on my Ballon D’or Shortlist bits the dust. Ronaldo: Next stop, Camp Neeeeewww The Diet Theory Neymar: oww, Who the fu*k left that there Payet: ohh sorry, It must have fallen out of my shots Payet: mmm its still edible atleast Payet:*eats pie* The Karma’s a b*tch Theory Neymar: Commence operation dive to win and free kick in 3, 2 Neymar: ohh Andre Anguissa: Fairplay, That is the most realitic diving i have ever seen you do… Deep breath.. and you didn’t even get a foul.. ha ha Which Theory do you think it was? Click ‘i’ to vote now And also check out the ‘Neymar really broke his foot burglary Phil Coutinho house theory by watching by watching the video below. Good night.
[ Telephone rings in distance ] [ Lock clicks ] -Last week,
I gave a fire-safety talk… [ Clears throat, key clangs ] …and nobody
paid any attention. It’s my own fault
for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn
in lots of different ways, but experience
is the best teacher. Today,
smoking is gonna save lives. [ Door closes ] Does anyone
smell anything smoky? -Did you
bring your jerky in again? [ Clears throat loudly ] -Oh, my God!
Uh, oh, my God! -Fire!
-Oh! Fire?! Oh, my goodness!
What’s the procedure? What do we do, people?
-The phones are dead. -Oh, how did that happen? -It’s out in the hall.
-No, we don’t know that. The smoke could be coming
through an air duct. -Oh, my God!
Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm.
-What’s the procedure, everyone? What’s the procedure? -Stay [bleep] calm!
-Wait, wait, wait! -Everybody
just [bleep] calm down! -No! No, Michael, no!
Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be
a fire in the hallway. -What does warm mean? -Oh, my gosh.
Try a different door. -Not a viable option.
What next? -Don’t run!
-Try the other door. -Oh, here’s a door.
Check that one out. How’s the handle?
-I-It’s warm. -Okay, go to the back door.
-Well, another option. Another op-tion!
Geez! Okay, settle down, everyone!
No bunching. -Oh, I forgot my purse.
-Leave it, woman! -Get out of the way.
Go, go, go! -Things can be replaced,
Phyllis. People — human lives —
however, can — -[ Groans ] -Aah! My hand!
That’s hot! -Aah!
This one’s hot, too! -Okay, we’re trapped.
Everyone for himself! -Okay.
-Let’s go! -Get out of my way!
-Let’s go! -Get out of my way.
-Okay, okay! Calm, please.
-Get out of the way! -Have you ever seen
a burn victim? -Move it!
-Okay! Procedure, procedure.
Exit options. Where do we go, folks?
-It’s okay. [ Cat meows ]
-Use a what to cover the mouth? A what?
A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let’s remember those procedures.
What are the options? Okay, that’s a wrong way.
We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points.
Exit points, people. -Oscar.
-What’s next, huh? -Oscar!
-Stay alive! I’m getting help! -Pull me up!
-You’re too heavy! -I only weigh 82 pounds.
[ Cat growls ] Save Bandit!
[ Cat meows ] [ Banging, cat yowls ] -How about 911?
Anyone? 911. [ Glass shatters ] [ Banging, glass shatters ] -[ Coughing ]
-What do we do? -Use the surge
of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Okay, I am not dying here.
Come on. -[ Coughing ]
[ Firecrackers popping ] -Oh! What is that?!
What is that?! -The fire’s shooting at us! -What in the name of God
is going on?! [ Coughing ]
[ Fire alarm ringing ] -Grab it.
-Battering ram! -Aah!
-Go, go, go, go, go! Aah!
[ Crashing ] -Aah! [ Glass shatters ] -Help!
Help! -Oh, my God!
[ Crashing ] [ Air horn blares ] -Attention! Employees of Dunder-Mifflin, this has been a test
of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire.
It was only a simulation. -What?!
-Fire not real. This was merely
a training exercise. [ Crashing ] So, what have we learned? Oh, come on.
It’s not real, Stanley. -Oh, my God.
-Don’t have a heart attack. -No, no, no, no, no!
You will not die. Stanley! Stanley!
You will not die! Stanley!
Stanley! Barack is president!
You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him
mouth-to-mouth. -No, no, no. Don’t give him
mouth-to-mouth for this. -He’s gonna swallow his tongue.
Open your mouth. -Michael. Michael. -Don’t swallow it!
I’m fine! Leave me — -[ Grunts ]
-I’m saving him!
Hey guys, so this episode is gonna be filmed in my office because I didn’t have time to book that YouTube space. Ah, there’s gonna be a special one. It’s not very often. We cover a place like Nauru. Usually we get you guys, the Geograpeeps, to help out with these videos But sadly not a single Nauruan was available to contact us. No surprise. I mean, there’s not many in the world and it’s kind of hard to find them or visit them. Like, literally, this is the least visited country in the world. So NAU we cover NAURU [Good pun, no punching?] Hi everybody, I’m host Barb’s. Yes. It’s pronounced “Now-roo”, not “Nah-oo-roo” The Pacific Islands are always so fun to research because they really are like the hidden gems concealed within the massive expanse of seemingly endless ocean and with Nauru you find a new type of gem that nobody quite knows how to classify but it’s shiny Let’s go treasure hunting on the map now. Shall we? Linguist speculate that the name Nauru may be derived from the Nauruan word Anaoero Which means “I go to the beach.” Of course most island nations have beaches But the ones on Nauru are sectioned off in a special way First of all, the country is literally just one island located on the confluence of all three oceanic regions of Oceania: Melanesia, Micronesia And Polynesia, however categorically they belong to the region of Micronesia (not to be confused with the Federated States of Micronesia which is a country within Micronesia. We already talked about it) Anyway The country is the smallest country in Oceania and only about 8.1 square miles or 21 square kilometers The entire perimeter of the country is only about 12 miles or 19 kilometers long That means you could literally take a nice morning jog around the entire island and make it back in time for lunch Just a few hours later. The country is divided into fourteen administrative districts However when election time rolls around, the country is divided into eight constituencies to send representatives to the Parliament and this is where things get weird Nauru is the only country in the world that doesn’t have an official capital Most sources will tell you that its Yaren simply because that’s where the parliament and administration buildings are as well as the only airport on the island “Nauru International”. However, it is only the de jure capital and only listed as a main district with only about 1300 people Yaren is actually the third largest town on the island. The largest actually being Arijejen in Aiwo with a whopping 2,400 people and Menen in the Meneng district with about 1,400. Aside from the airport coming into Nauru by boat is nearly impossible For large commercial ships as the entire country is surrounded by jagged sharp coral reefs that have been known to puncture holes Which is why they have no major seaport There are only two small harbors able to accommodate small or medium sized boats one at Anibare on the east side at Anibare Bay and another one On the town of Aiwo on the west side of the island. Right below that harbor though You see these strange long extending pier-looking things and think, “Oh, isn’t that like a shipping port?” Well, no Those are actually really long phosphate cantilever booms that were used to transport. Phosphate minerals to large ships out to sea past the coral wall. There’s another one further south that is currently being disassembled as neither of them are being used much anymore Otherwise getting around Nauru is pretty easy I mean It’s just one island unlike those confusing disjointed atolls in Kiribati or Tuvalu. Having one solid chunk of land is quite advantageous in the Pacific because it keeps you stable and strong. The country has a single paved road that goes around the entire nation known as the island Ring Road It takes just about an hour to go around the entire country by car And if you want to take public transport a community bus goes around once every hour or so for less than a dollar in fare There is only one traffic light at the airport to allow planes to cross the road into the airport terminal Otherwise, you can take the rugged unpaved gravel path road Shortcuts through the interior of the island to get to the other sides if you prefer. Not very popular but still possible. On these paths You can pass the Nauru Detention Centers which are sites that cooperate with the Australian government to detain illegal immigrants We’ll explain more about this later The country does have three miles of rail track reserved for phosphate transport and sometimes people will cling on to this train to move back and forth from the coast of Aiwo to the inland mining areas Yeah, they actually have a train and it’s still kind of running. Nonetheless Nauru is definitely not quite the tourist hotspot. Annually the country receives on average less than a thousand tourists a year sometimes as low as 200. Speaking of which if you are one of the lucky few that treks over here some spots of interest might include places like Yaren’s Parliament building. Buada Lagoon. The Moqua Well & Caves. Frigate bird games. Anabare Bay. The central plateau known as Topside. The old World War II artillery bunkers near Yaren. The Linkbelt oval sportsfield where you can play sports. And of course, there’s scuba diving everywhere. Alright, so that pretty much rounds up this segment. Let’s see what type of landscape they have on this one little island, shall we? Well, there’s gonna be interesting because we only have about eight square miles of land to work with How can we possibly extract a complex data analysis on such a limited surface area? I’ve been doing this show for years guys. Watch me. First of all, Nauru sits on the middle of the Southern Pacific Plate only about 34 miles (56 kilometers) away from the equator. Out of all the islands in Oceania, Nauru sticks out as one of the three great phosphate rock islands. The first one being Kiribati’s Banaba Island right next door, and Makatea Island over 3,000 miles away across the International Dateline on Makatea Island in French Polynesia Why do they have so much phosphate? Simple: bird poop! Over thousands of years Guano droppings in the inland areas from migrating birds have accumulated making these islands super rich in the limited resource. Going back to Nauru though After we pass the jagged coral reef barrier You see that the entire Coastal ring around Nauru about 300 meters inland is the most fertile part of the country. If you look over here in the south though you’ll see Buada Lagoon, the largest inland body of water Nauru has no rivers or streams which means the majority people depend on either rain collection storage tanks on their roofs for water or 3d salinization plants located at the National Utilities Agency if you move inland further from that though You’ll notice the green fertile strip ends and you reach the grassy shrubby central plateau Composed of coral ridges and cliffs the highest point being command ridge at about 233 feet 720 meters high This is the phosphate zone where all the phosphate was mined over the past few decades. Whoo. Yeah, I mean quite a backstory, right? I mean at one point in 1968 They actually had the highest GDP in the world after they opened up the mines But now after almost all the phosphate deposits have been depleted Yeah, not so much. All right, and there’s a part where no one usually comes in for the physical geography section However, he’s not here because I kind of forgot to tell him at the last minute that we’re gonna fill my house Which means Ken you’re gonna have to be NOAA today. Nice. Wait, is this a promotion? Yeah, no, wait, really? Yeah You’re promoting the information about Naru to our viewers and get to what they’re waiting Nauru Niue that they’re finite phosphate deposits will eventually run thin So in order to cushion their transition period from over-dependence, they decided to invest heavily into trust funds The problem was many of these funds ended up mismanage and wasteful investments almost until they went bankrupt They’ve tried to become a finance haven, but too many controversies ensued so they had to drop it since 2004 They have been a cash-only exclusive economy. This means you could only use cash on the island So if you visit get your major ATM transactions in order before boarding the plane Because none exists on the island. Resource-wise, other than the nearly depleted phosphate reserves, all they really got going for them is fishing and minor crops that grow on the island, Like coconuts and fruits, and the Buada lagoon, they do practice aquaculture by raising native mill fish. It’s a tradition that actually predates European contact. Nonetheless nearly all basic and capital goods must be imported mostly from Australia and New Zealand. Otherwise with food, it gets kind of…fatty. Most grocery stores have to wait six weeks for every shipment. People either have to get their food from what’s available on the island or stock up on non-perishables that might not have the highest nutritional content. A typical traditional Nauruan meal would probably include grilled or fried fish. Coconut milk is used very often and possibly some pandanus or pineapple use in some way. However, the majority of the country prefers to eat Western or Eastern foods regularly. There are over 130 Chinese restaurants on the island, burgers, pizza, and spam fried rice are typically seen in many houses. Ah spam! America invented it but Asia glorified it. This typical diet has been one of the many factors that has led to Nauru becoming what the World Health Organization labels as “the most obese country in the world” with over 70 percent of their inhabitants being categorically obese and 94 percent overweight. Some of the people here though need to be big because it works to their advantage. But that’s a topic later we will discuss. In…. DEMOGRAPHICS Thank you Ken! Follow him on Instagram. Off you go now. [sound of door closing] Now Nauru is kind of like… I don’t know what’s a good analogy. It’s like one of those shrines in the middle of the Patagonian desert in Argentina, you know They’re so far out and remote very few people stop by and visit them yet as small as they are They’re packed with fascinating backstories. Yeah, I think that works First of all, the country has about 11 300 people and is the third least populated nation in the world after Tuvalu and Vatican City. About 60% of the people in Nauru are ethnically Nauruan, about a quarter are other Pacific Islanders, 8% are European and about 8% are Han Chinese. They use the Australian dollar as their currency. They use a type I plug outlet and they drive on the left side of the road. Now. Here’s the thing. Let’s talk about the largest ethnic group, the Nauruans. If you include the entire global diaspora It’s estimated that there are about 15,000 Nauruans in the entire world. Apart from the 6,000 or so Nauruans, about a thousand live in Australia, and about 8,000 in the U.S. Meaning that there are actually more Nauruans outside of Nauru than in it, but what exactly is a Nauruan? You know what? Ken is usually like the island guy? So, you know what? Ken, just explain what a Nauruan is. All right, Nauruans are in themselves kind of a cultural anomaly. They are genetically kind of a mix between Micronesia and Polynesia. They don’t even know exactly where they belong. Although everyone on the island speaks English. The Nauruan mother tongue is Nauruan. Obviously. Linguists say it is technically classified as a Micronesian language, but most Micronesians can’t understand them. Historically, the populace prior to outside immigrations was divided to these twelve tribes. Each with a matrilineal inheritance. Thank you, Ken. I’ll take it from here. Now, in terms of the tribes, they each kind of had their own section of the island and developed their own unique customs. One of which being the Nauruan navigational system. It’s a unique way of expressing cardinal direction that can only be used on the island. There are four main directions that cover a quadrant of the island and a fifth and six direction that traverses the interior. Sadly over time many of the traditions were lost to Western influence. Pictures were taken of Nauruan warriors in the 1800s with armour made of thick coconut fibers and puffer fish helmets. Similar to the ones we talked about in the Kiribati(?) episode. The traditional music style called Teigen is usually performed at celebrations. Finally every so often certain fishers still practice trained frigate bird fishing. Otherwise Nauruans love AFL, rugby, weightlifting. Sometimes weightlifting is considered the national sport. Even women take part in it Keep in mind in 2001 Nauru also signed the Pacific Solution agreement with Australia Which opened up a detention center to hold people that were illegally trying to enter into Australia by sea for asylum. This means in addition to the population that lives there permanently Nauru has a temporary fluctuating population of detainees at any given moment. The highest amount of people held at once was 1233 in 2014 and at the end of 2018, there are about 30. And speaking of dates and times, History! In the quickest way, I can put it: Micronesian and Polynesians settle in and mix. They have babies. Boom! Nauruans are born. Twelve tribes are set. British whalers stop by and start trading. Boom! Tribal war in 1878. Germans come in and annex it. They establish kings. Phosphate discovered by this dude. World War 1, Australia captures it. Influenza epidemic. Japan takes over in World War 2. They relocate a ton of Naurans to Chuuk Island. Australia fights them off. About 800 Nauruans repatriate back to Nauru. 1968 independence, they get super rich! But then kind of lose it all. Current dealings with Australia to move forward. And here we are today! Now this is kind of a part where I talk about notable famous people and it’s interesting because Almost all the famous people from Nauru have held a position in government. Yeah, it gets interesting! So here we go King Aweida. Hammer DeRoburt. Marlene Moses. Keiren keke. David Adeang. Itte Detenamo. Alopua Petoa. Yukio Peter. Rianna Solomon Yeah, and their former president was an Olympic athlete and he won seven gold medals at the Commonwealth Games Then he resigned because of a scandal but look at him left! Speaking of the Commonwealth and activities with other countries abroad [jingle] Friendzone! When it comes to diplomacy Nauru is kind of like in the middle of so many Tug-of-wars and they don’t really care who says what just as long as you can kind of invest in the nation They’ll be happy from one They generally get along with their other ocean neighbors like Kiribati, the Federated States of Micronesia and the Solomon Islands. Fiji, however, kind of acts as like their hub and gateway to the world. Most flights to Nauru operate through Fiji and most Nauruans travel to Fiji to further invest in their schools and education. When it comes to the big guys though Nauru has a bit of controversy they are one of the only four nations that recognizes Abkhazia and South Ossetia as independent nation states to which Russia in appreciation gave over fifty million dollars in humanitarian aid in return 1981 They did once recognize the Saharawi Arab Democratic Republic but that in 2000, they withdrew the tie in favor to signing Accords with Morocco Who wanted to invest in there already depleting phosphate mines. When they joined the UN they had first recognized and supported Taiwan as a nation state, but then in 2002 They switched that up and signed an agreement to recognize the PRC instead which really pissed off Taiwan and they cut ties One year later, though Nauru was like, oh shoot. I’m sorry I changed my mind again and they closed their embassy in Beijing prompting a reestablishment of ties to Taiwan in 2005. When it comes to their best friends, however many Nauruans would probably say Austrialia. Australia is kind of like the caregiver that provides most their business and aid, most of the imports come from Australia and Foreign ministers have worked together to find solutions to develop new streams of revenue to keep the nation afloat Apart from the Pacific Solution, some other ideas include things like a potential boat repair industry and reclaiming the damaged land for other uses. In conclusion, it doesn’t matter if it’s just a single little green dot in the vast white ocean. Nauru can still stand up and say Now we are here! Now we are free! And now is Nauru’s time to shine! Stay tuned. Nepal is coming up next! [End music]
Copyright 2019 by Savages and Scoundrels The Film | All rights reserved