There’s a Horse In The Hospital | John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke

There’s a Horse In The Hospital | John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke


– Now I don’t know if you’ve
been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone, everywhere is super mad about
everything all the time. I try to stay a little optimistic,
even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky. Here’s how I try to look
at it, and this is just me. This guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse
loose in a hospital. It’s like there’s a horse
loose in a hospital. I think eventually
everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea
what’s gonna happen next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a horse
loose in the hospital. It’s never happened before. No one knows what the
horse is gonna do next, least of all the horse. He’s never been in a hospital before. He’s as confused as you are. There’s no experts. They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, we’re joined now by a man that once saw a bird in the airport. It’s like, get out of here with that shit. We’ve all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse loose in a hospital. When a horse is loose in a
hospital you gotta stay updated. So all day long, you walk around, oh, what’d the horse
do, what’d the horse do. The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. You’re like, the horse used the elevator? I didn’t know he knew how to do that. The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the horse at all. Like down in the
operating room, like, hey, has anyone, uh… has anyone hea– (makes clip-clop sounds). Those are those quiet
days when people are like, it looks like the horse
has finally calmed down and then ten seconds
later the horse is like, I’m gonna run towards the baby incubators and smash ’em with my hooves, I’ve got nice hooves and
long tail, I’m a horse. And it’s like, aw, that’s
what I thought you’d say you dumb fuckin’ horse. And then, then, then you
go to brunch with people and they’re like, there
shouldn’t be a horse in the hospital. And it’s like, we’re well past that. And then other are people are like, well if there’s gonna
be horse in the hospital I’m gonna say the n-word on TV, and it’s like, those
don’t match up at all. And then for a second it seems like maybe we could survive the horse, and then five thousand miles away a hippo was like, I have a nuclear bomb, And I’m gonna blow up the hospital. And before we could say
anything, the horse was like, if you even fucking look at the hospital, I will stomp you to death with my hooves. I dare you to do it. I want, I want you to do it. I want you to do so I can
stomp you with my hooves I’m so fuckin’ crazy. And he’s like, you think
you’re fuckin’ crazy, I’m a fuckin’ hippopotamus, I
live in a fuckin’ lake of mud, I’m fuckin’ crazy. And all of us are like,
okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, like poor Andy Cohen at
those goddamn reunions, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. And then for a second we were like, maybe the horse catcher
will catch the horse, and then the horse is like, I have fired the horse catcher. He can do that? That shouldn’t be allowed,
no matter who the horse is. I don’t remember that in Hamilton.

Ellen Helps You Find a Date

Ellen Helps You Find a Date


– Who’s single in here?
Raise your hands. [audience cheers] Who’s ready to mingle in here? [audience cheers] Less than the people
that were single. [laughter] That’s not even–
but anyway. Look around, find each other, and then get together
after the show. Good luck.
[laughter] You’re welcome. It’s not easy to find love,
and that’s why, whenever I hear about
a new dating site, I like to share it with you
to help you out. It seems like nowadays
there’s a site for everyone. I mean,
they’re so individualized now. This one right here I found
is called Cougar Life. [laughter] In case you don’t know,
a cougar is a woman who wants to date
a much younger man. Of course,
there is also a name for men who want to date
much younger women. They’re called men. [laughter] She’s–
[cheers and applause] Yeah. That’s right. [chuckles] It took you a minute. You’re like, “Yes,
that is right, Ellen.” [laughter] She’s holding a pie because,
of course, that’s how you attract
younger men. [laughter] It’s the pie they’re after. Here’s a site,
and it’s called Love Horse. And it’s a dating site. It says, “Dating for horse
and country lovers.” And the way it works is,
if you like someone, you click yes,
and if you’re not interested, you click “nay.” [laughter] Thank you. [applause]
Thank you. Thanks so much. It’s a great place to find
a “stable” partner. [laughter] I’m done. I’m done. This next one was started
by someone who wasn’t having a lot of luck with online dating
so he made his own site, and it is called
datebrandonscottwolf.com. [laughter] So it says, “The number one
online dating site for Brandon Scott Wolf.” So if you’re looking for
Brandon Scott Wolf, look no further. He’s right there. This is definitely
the best place to meet Brandon Scott Wolf. Here’s one, and this is called
Dating for Hippies. [laughter] It says, “Meet ‘free-spirited’
singles near you.” And I believe “free-spirited”
is code for “does not shower.” [laughter] Look at them–
the way they’re kissing. I don’t know what that–
what’s happening. It’s not really kissing. It’s more like he’s like,
“What’s that smell? Is that you?”
[laughter] “Is that me?
Who is it? It’s one of us.
Who smells like that?” She’s like, “I don’t know.
It’s someone.” [laughter] They don’t–
they’re just like– they think
they’re hugging a tree. They’re not supposed to kiss it.
They just– If you live in Colorado,
you might want to check out Stoner Singles. [laughter] Yeah. [applause] Yep. I’m confused by this. This site doesn’t even look
finished yet– which makes sense,
’cause it’s made… [laughter]
By a stoner. Anyway, for all you singles
out there, I hope that helps,
and for all you married people, I hope it makes you grateful
that you’re not single. [laughter]

Help! James Corden Needs a Favor – Terry Crews Edition

Help! James Corden Needs a Favor – Terry Crews Edition


THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE
EVERYBODY. I HAVEN’T GOT MY MIC. I HAVEN’T GOT MY CARD. SORRY. I HAVE A, I NEED THE CARD FOR
THE THINGS. I LEFT MY CARDS IN THE GREEN
ROOM. SORRY, SORRY
REGGIE, WOULD YOU MIND POPPING OUT AND GRABBING THEM FOR ME?>>Reggie: NO, SORRY. MY LEGS ARE BROKEN.>>James: SORRY WHAT DID YOU
SAY?>>MY LEGS ARE BROKEN. James: BROKEN LEGS. I SAW YOU WALK DOWN THE HALL. WHEN DID YOU BREAK YOUR LEGS?>>A COUPLE OF SECONDS AGO.>>James: WELL IF YOU JUST
BROKE YOUR LEGS,YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE HOSPITAL.>>Reggie: THAT’S A GOOD IDEA. James: I’M LITERALLY ASKING
YOU TO HELP ME OUT. WE CAN’T DO IT, WE CAN’T DO IT
WITHOUT THEM. WE CAN’T — MATE, WILL YOU GO
AND GRAB MY CARDS. COME HERE, COME HERE. LET ME PUT THIS MOTORCYCLE ROW
PHONE ON YOU. HANG ON. PUT THAT, YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR
POCKET. I WILL PIN THIS ON YOU HERE. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?>>JOHN. ames: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?>>TEXAS. James: YOU HAVE A KIND AND
WELCOMING FACE. DO ME A FAVOR. THE CARDS, I LEFT THEM IN THE
GREEN ROOM. I WAS CHATTING TO TERRY. THEY’RE IN THE GROAN ROOM. WE HAVE ABOUT TWO MINUTES OF
THIS PART TO GO, MAYBE THE 0 SECONDS. YOU HAVE TO BE QUICK.>>OKAY. James: GO DOWN AND LEFT. GO FOR IT THANK YOU, THANK YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>>James: JUST RUN THERE. THAT’S IT, KEEP GOING, KEEP
GOING. UNSTOPPABLE. OH, NO. COME ON. THAT’S IT. OH, OH. YES THAT’S IT MAKE YOUR WAY
THROUGH THERE. WATCH OUT. COME BACK, COME BACK. DOWN THE ALLEYWAY. DOWN THE ALLEYWAY THERE. JUST GET THROUGH THE CROWD. THROUGH, GET THROUGH THEM. GO, GO, GO, GO. OKAY. NOW LISTEN — COME BACK. IN THE PURPLE ROOM. THE PURPLE ROOM. TERRY CRUISE IS A SLEEP. RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, HE’S A
SLEEP. HE LIKES TO HAVE A SLEEP BEFORE
COMING ON THE SHOW. DON’T WAKE HIM. HE GETS ANGRY. IAN THE CARDS BUT DON’T WAKE
HIM. HE GETS CROSSED. OKAY. HE GETS REALLY ANGRY. RUN, RUN, RUN!>>WHAT ARE YOU DOING! James: RUN, RUN!>>GET OUT OF HERE. James: QUICKLY. BACK, BACK TO THE STUDIO. THIS WAY, THIS WAY, THIS WAY. PAST THE REST ROOMS. THEY’RE ALWAYS THERE. MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH. GO THROUGH THE DOOR. THROUGH THE DOOR. GO THROUGH THE DOOR. THIS WE GO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>>James: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THESE TO ME. YOU ARE A LIFESAVER. THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU CAN STAY HERE FOR A MINUTE. THERE IS A LOT GOING ON THERE.>>THERE IS. James: IT’S ALWAYS LIKE THAT
BACK STAGE AT THE LATE LATE SHOW.>>VERY EXCITING. James: WE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO
DO THAT WITHOUT THE CARDS. THANK YOU. OKAY. WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
OF THE LATE LATE SHOW. GIVE UP.

South Park: The Fractured But Whole – Easy Allies Review

South Park: The Fractured But Whole – Easy Allies Review


South Park: The Stick of Truth proved to be
one of the most faithful video game adaptations with its authentic visuals, shocking humor, and a catchy battle system
that took a page from the Paper Mario series. With the newest entry, The Fractured But Whole,
Ubisoft hopes that lightning can strike twice, trading out the RPG masters over at Obsidian
for their own internal studio. This sequel rekindles much of the same magic, but it doesn’t quite surpass the original effort. South Park prides itself on its topical humor
and bold jokes that often test the limits
of what our culture deems acceptable. This holds true in the Fractured But Whole, with the writers taking aim at many current issues including the Black Lives Matter movement,
the LGBTQ community, Neo-Nazis, and police corruption. It’s all done under the guise of spoofing
the superhero craze that’s captured pop culture over the past two decades, with the lovable fourth graders
stepping into the leading roles once again as they duke it out to see
which rival faction will secure their franchise’s future. This has always been Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s MO with the series – to embed meaningful commentary behind a surface level joke that sometimes
pushes us beyond our comfort zones. Meanwhile, like The Stick of Truth before it, The Fractured But Whole fully embraces
South Park’s rich history, and veteran fans will find more than a few nods
to previous episodes, some of which play a crucial part in the game’s
main storyline. For the most part, the jokes hit their marks, but the writing isn’t quite as funny this second time around. Perhaps it’s just the fact
it’s already been done so well before, or maybe the series has just been around for too long. It’s still head and shoulders above most anything else
in the gaming industry, but the game, like the past few seasons of the show,
is showing signs of inconsistency. Part of the reason it falls a bit short
is due to the early pacing of the game. The story unfolds over several days
as you join your friends as the new kid once again, with a load of story missions and side objectives
to accomplish each day. Once night falls,
you proceed into a cleverly masked dungeon sequence with enemy encounters and a boss battle. The structure is simple enough,
but the opening few hours are incredibly slow, serving as a glorified tutorial. The objectives and activities are rather dull
when compared to the rest of the game, which eventually gets its act together
and moves forward at a more enjoyable pace. With the game clocking in at around 20 hours,
it could have done more to trim the fat. Scanning through every chest, drawer, and trash can
to pick up materials, consumables, and other items also gets tedious rather quickly. It could just be that some of the charm and wonder
of exploring a fully realized South Park has worn off, but it feels like more than a case of deja vu. Thanks to the large roster of characters
and ever-evolving mechanics, combat becomes the highlight of the game. Instead of the more traditional,
turn-based system found in The Stick of Truth, here the developers have implemented a more tactical, grid-based battle system, essentially making it a very light strategy RPG. It starts off very simple and never really aspires
to be anything too complex, but the payoff is that combat feels fast-paced
and rewarding. The banter between characters in battle
also provides a modicum of humor, as do many of the attacks
and their elaborate animations, but the real show stoppers are the ridiculous sequences that make up ultimate attacks. It also feels
like just the right amount of enemy encounters, too, though if you really feel the need to grind, enemies will re-spawn on the map eventually. The Fractured But Whole isn’t particularly difficult,
though there are a few decent spikes near the end. However if you don’t do enough prep work to get ready for major fights, it is possible to get easily overwhelmed. Neglecting to occasionally swap in better gear, forgetting to configure your party to suit conditions, or failing to bring enough recovery items will make progress harder than it should be, but unless you bump it to the highest difficulty setting, you won’t encounter too much resistance. This is further evident by the fact
that the only penalty for failure is being sent back to right before the fight you lost. The Fractured But Whole once again nails the look
and the feel of South Park, and it is still remarkable to see
how well it keeps up the act. As for the soundtrack, it’s got all the right themes
to accompany each ridiculous situation, but it’s nothing special. The voice talent is up to the task again, helping to preserve your complete immersion into their world. The game can suffer
from some technical inconsistencies. Walking between screens is usually instantaneous
and smooth, but often a jarring loading screen sticks in for a bit too long. During battles, combat animations and changing turns can get held up for a few moments, which gets distracting. We also encountered a strange glitch
that temporarily prevented us from progressing until we reloaded an earlier checkpoint. It’s possible a patch will resolve all this for launch, but these issues were all present during our play through
for the review. It’s clear that The Fractured But Whole has a few issues that could have been ironed out prior to release, which is surprising given the game’s delays. However, like The Stick of Truth before it, this game absolutely nails the look and feel of the show. Overall it’s a slightly weaker effort than its predecessor, but it is still one of the funniest games out there. Easy Allies Reviews are made possible
by generous viewers just like you. If you like what you see, check out patreon.com/easyallies to see our other videos and consider becoming a patron to help us make more.

🚑COMAN INJURY CONSPIRACY!🚑 (Bayern Munich vs Tottenham 3-1 Parody)

🚑COMAN INJURY CONSPIRACY!🚑 (Bayern Munich vs Tottenham 3-1 Parody)


During Bayern vs Spurs, this happened! An innocent injury or, another Champions League conspiracy? The German Hitman Theory Oh, what a shame,
SUB ME ON!! The Dutch Hitman Theory Oh what a shame, yes I can come out of retirement!
SUB ME ON! The Polish Hitman Theory YES! Of course I hit the target! Sorry Kingsley! Goals to score, records to break! SUB ME ON! The English Shitman theory Go away! I’m not doing any interviews until the election is over! And The Danish Hitman Theory Hey Kingsley, I don’t mean to alarm you but my private investigator just called and said… …Jan Vertonghen has gone into your house. With your wife… I need to get home to my wife! It worked! Now go and do it on the rest of the team… – But…
– Don’t make me “Luke Shaw” you… Which way do you think he was?
Click “i” to vote now.

Let’s Fighting Love | South Park the Fractured But Whole- Part 9


All right so now We gotta find mrs. Cartman He’s probably up in a room getting fucked Or she’s in the kitchen here. She is Well I’ve just finished up your little reward you’ve earned it, sweetie Mrs.. Carmen’s double-stuffed brownies Okay, I take it damn she’s quick We now know for a fact that scrambles the missing cat is part of a larger conspiracy We also know that the fucking Freedom House have more information about this conspiracy than we do FAC Maybe we should just face it guys. Maybe Freda pals have a better super franchise that we do Hey, that’s no way to talk mosquito The only reason that Freda pals are ahead of us right now is because they’re but fuckin cheaters who sold out yeah But freedom paths have dr. Timothy and he can read people’s knives and bend reality Yeah, cuz he just said that when we made up our superpowers. He was like well I have every power to do fuck it everything you think that’s fair It’s time for us to be as dirty as them we have to know at the Freedom House know How we ever gonna get the help of freedom panel? We send a spy someone in our group who pretends to want to switch sides and join freedom at Somebody who they don’t know very well Then you kick joins Freedom House think ask for assistance investigating the community see hope the new cut is good at bullshitting You’ll never get past security Craig’s exchange. It everything I can get the new kid inside I’ve got hacking abilities Remember cuz I’m the gadget to your class with the tinkling ability known as chaos You just saying that to get out of jail you better let him go the new kid will need him alright fine Get the new kid inside freedom pals base ok If he tries anything funny kill him As bad as my difference. There’s no way to unsee the board with Where they cleaned up for a while so what were you stepping? Where have you been mister oh hey Dad I Didn’t come home last night butters your mom and I were worried sick. We could barely enjoy the movie we were watching I’m sorry dad. That’s just my new friend because you really mean sorry’s not gonna. Cut it mister and you what’s your name? You gotta say shit you don’t escape I Asked you a question. Who are you? Please please don’t do this cut does it butters you are grounded, and so is your smartass little friend Teenage now Klein minion recipe There’s no escape there we go And fire Hey, why is sweet I grounded you how could you be here right now? You have some kind of ability to unground people Whoever you touch becomes ungrounded is that it your evil magic is not welcome here darling Fucking butters dad man, okay. Let’s see I Think we’re good for right now Your buddies can’t join the fight until you unground them the ability and ground has replaced your ultimate power in this fight I Know this is your fault I Know you doubt butters you are shampooing the carpet after this Hey only an adult has the authority to unground a time Last of last Anakin confusing Shaka fo There we go gather ungrounded Nice There you go, buddy Many times have I told you not to play around with raw energy beams there we go Yeah, let’s get bastard Let’s see what will reduce these fools to cinders oh, I know up he goes There we go Making fun of the x-men movies they’re Southpark I Have done the unthinkable I have ungrounded butters I am a hero There we go In the old days before cellphones if you’ve got our superheroes kind of played out chaos is calling you out yeah, bitch Alright, I’m gonna go and help Clyde Then why did you say hang on I’ll be right back with my dad’s credit card He won’t even know it’s gone. No more head games. Give me the car. There’s gonna be trouble problem here gasps All right, so everyone’s locked I can’t change anyone You guys met my main squeeze don’t you care lay a hand on her that didn’t take long, right? Goddammit Yeah, it’s not that common are we gonna fight Rebecca? I’ll probably die anyway There we go skip her turn That’s a snappy shit, dude There we go I’ll handle these little pervs I Said more than sure then like what’s his name what’s her name Rebecca is gonna come back There she’s go step Out for you, dude There we go Goddamn it Clyde Snap out of it Nearly kind of ratty right now. I won’t lie There we go heal myself up Time for ya That’s up it for you And I’ll take care of two of them That’s going to leave some scars She really make more burritos Well I guess it’s just you and me now bitches, oh wait I brought a friend. I’m not hitting on you Damn it. They keep on charming him Okay Welcome to lazytown oh I can finally go thanks, but that’s all your Yeah, she broke through the protect Here for a sticking up Let’s take out Rebecca she’s the biggest threat Bechet NL Batman was a cyborg I literally eat kids like you for breakfast there we go Skipper turn That’s no way to treat a lady true, but you ain’t no lady She’s dead More love with me boys. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us There we go Yes, lovely Me bur blame eBay Who is the farting vanilla Johnny scrap I’m going I just got a look in this Terrance and Phillip backpack. Oh Xxxx I think this is what Cartman put in mr.. Mackey’s food after mr. Mackey literally threw carbon under the bus Time for the hamster on my ass Superhero base, holy smokes they got a clean room and computers and lights well this makes a crap out of codes based on okay? I can play here every day. What are you doing here? Hey mysterion well we were just hoping to speak with dr. Timothy why the new kid wants to switch to my help Hey, new kid you might end up here? They’re here to spy on You know Anything Don’t trust them doc they can’t see what you’ve been working on back there What if the new kid really wants to switch we can see if the new kids intentions up here? We’re sending tuck away on a very important mission today, you can help them with that mission I don’t need backup especially not a new easy tough remember the freedom pals motto yeah retribution But with inclusion I’ll send you the details on the mission when you get there we can begin in the meantime I must get back to my work That’s another thing all right Freda pals are now available What All right, let’s see how this is gonna blow up Okay apparently we’re having a little quarrel Craig and tweek have agreed to some counseling as long as your present new kid, okay, so No Craig. What do you? What do you want to say to tweek? I? Think he has some stuff. He should say to me. Oh good good. You want to start Okay, okay, well maybe a new kid maybe you should share some of your thoughts I have some kids here to help us out when we’re trying to have some therapy the first thing we need to do is is take out our resentments, okay, so Let’s have a resentments come out coming out over come over resentment Okay, and then in any relationship. We also have expectations okay because expectations And then that of course leads to victimization and withdrawal Now you’ve got to learn to overcome all of these things. Okay. You ready you ready go fuck him up There they are right there drink ready go go beat the shit out of them Not literally because I don’t dance let’s Pudge Hello mr. Mackey’s just in the background Okay blasted shock flow is lightning Attack for your charity shrinkage and chilled Let’s do this Fondant dentist sweet dreams are made of these Who am I to disagree? I Love mr.. Becky commenting in the background There we go a microaggression Hey girl aggression still oh God that is not a good sign Jesus expectations doesn’t go down that easy. There’s always more expectations You boys have to work together if you’re going to eliminate all of those expectations do they Wait he’s right Huh we’re only going to get rid of these expectations and everything else if we do it together Okay eros throughout PDA the damages and confuses nearby foes That Was hilarious oh my God Oh, oh my god, Lily fuck you cried Now seeing this how we have freedom powers unlocked as characters, I wonder what everybody else’s powers are cuz we have Token we like everybody that we’ve met has had powers the only one that I haven’t met is like a buddy power It makes me smile I Love to play my mandolin my mandolin goes And makes me smile Off the stage to play my mandolin my mandolin goes Horn goes I Love to hear my bugle horn go My characters my the whole thing a Shady Acres oh My god, Kyle I held a colostomy bag. I do not want to see that shit Bodies is gonna get All right, let’s see tokens ultimate Well hello They’re pretty cool. Yeah, it’s like two turns three turns Oh Yes Let’s fight II love I just had to get out of there I’m glad Tokyo is there otherwise I would not have made that Doc this is mysterion we had some trouble, but the mission Nice work everyone new kid congratulations You’re officially a member of freedom palace you can join us tonight on our mission to the police station We’ve ascertained that police are being paid off by whoever’s running crime in the city. That’s right We believe we’ll find the answers to what’s going on there welcome to the team friend. We’ll see you tonight Don’t tell anyone we’re going to the police station Attention all conference report to the COO there we know now with the Freedom House No, I’ll come into the turn their great work, but Nord Alright Talk to the queue at the Koon lair I could really use a hero right now my tutoring business seems to have attracted the attention of a competitor Come by for a teensy moment and help me handle this. Thanks daddy Alright guys well I’m gonna leave that episode here, otherwise. I’m gonna die from laughing just on this shit If you guys are liking this be sure to let me know and I’ll see you guys in the next video

The Time Zack Morris Faked A Terminal Illness To Win A Celebrity Kissing Bet


♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪ (school bell ringing) – [Narrator] Stevie the
pop star is coming back to her middle school to perform. Zack lays claim to her famous flesh. Lisa, president of Stevie’s fan club, in certain Stevie will have no interest in Zack’s immature ass. Here’s Stevie! Zack bet Nikki he could kiss Stevie and claims he already
won on a technicality because he kissed her poster, pathetic! If he wins, Nikki has to wash
his gym clothes for a year, attempting to force his
unwanted physical advances and housework on two women
at the same damn time. Stevie’s so happy to
see someone who knew her back when she was still Colleen. Miss Bliss learns Stevie’s at a hotel and insists she stay at her place. Stevie is pumped about her show and wants to sing a song
for one special student. Word is out Stevie’s looking
for someone to serenade. Zack intends to be that someone then leverage the moment for a kiss. – She won’t be able to say no
while the cameras are rolling. – [Narrator] It should come as no surprise Zack’s moving to Hollywood next year. A wigless Stevie got accepted to college, and despite her management’s
career concerns, she’s excited to find herself
through higher education because she’s got a good
head on her shoulders, especially without that wig. Zack hounds Lisa for info on Stevie he can use to win his carnal wager. Stevie loves charities and
lost causes, but how lost? – Earthquake relief, world
hunger, children’s hospitals. – Ding! – [Narrator] Zack is
suddenly not feeling great. Neither am I. Stevie picked a winner, Zack Morris! His doctor sent her a note, saying his dying wish is a Stevie song. Hopefully, it will add a few extra days to his over-any-minute-now life. P.S. Don’t be afraid to kiss him. He’s not contagious. Where did this guy go to med school? Belding announces Zack will
be onstage with Stevie. Miss Bliss wants to know his secret. Zack says he was just born lucky, which is accurate as he does
not have a fatal disease. Belding tells Zack he knows. Zack does his best
death-bed cough, pathetic! Belding alerts Mylo that Zack is on his way out, so be nice. Zack takes delight in his
new power of manipulation. He tells Belding to keep this quiet. He doesn’t want people
treating him differently, the only reason he’s doing this. Belding says it’s their secret. Oh, and he’s clearing Zack’s
atrocious academic record. But wanting to help, Belding showed Zack’s note to Miss Bliss, who wants to know how she
can ease his final days. Zack was feeling a little
weak during their last test. An A would really help. Of course! By the way, what is killing Zack? Clearly, it’s not his conscience. Zack says it’s a rare
case of, uh, deskarosis. Best he can come up with, pathetic! Miss Bliss says her grandpa had that. She knows the cure. You just need to hop up and down to shake loose all that
bullshit you’re full of! She can’t believe she has to say this, but you are not supposed
to lie about dying! It caused Belding real pain, Zack’s favorite part of the scam. And he hurt Stevie. Zack doesn’t care. She’s just some broad
who’s gonna sing to him. Won’t be the first, won’t be the last. Miss Bliss can’t believe
she also has to say this, but Zack’s Stevie song is off. Zack goes to apologize
at Miss Bliss’ house to maybe get that song back
and bumps into Colleen. She asks if Zack really
made a bet to kiss Stevie. – I guess you think she’s pretty hot. – Nah. – Nah? – Okay, she’s not a dog. – [Narrator] What a charmer. Zack tells Colleen to
deliver his apology for him, mistaking her for his
personal apology secretary, then tells Colleen to tell
Miss Bliss to tell Stevie she’s a real dummy for quitting
music to go to college. Stevie had it made because all Zack values is money, not learning, and what he assumes to
be a life of doing zilch. Colleen drops some knowledge
on Zack’s boring ass that entertainment is hard work. Then, psychology attacked
to feel Zack’s approval is the only thing keeping
her from being a dog, goes in for a kiss that is
way more than Zack can handle. Pathetic! The gang is gathered for Stevie’s show. Nikki has gym clothes for Zack to wash because he’s too dense
to understand he won. Wow, what a show! What a really weird show. This show is very weird. Zack says Stevie’s weird show was awesome. Her friends call her Colleen. Zack, realizing he’s the victor, screams like a spaz that
he kissed that girl. Only, nobody believes
him, listens, or cares because no matter what,
he’s still a loser. Let’s review. Zack Morris gambled over a celebrity kiss to make his female classmate
wash his sweaty clothes, and when he learned his
target has a kind heart, abused that knowledge by
faking a terminal illness to guilt her into kissing him, then expanded his
charade, exploiting anyone who would be foolish enough to
grant him one last kindness. Then, while attempting apology by proxy, which is not a thing, called the young lady he gambled on stupid for wanting to go to college,
and when he got that kiss, that he only got by being a jerk, and was too slow to know
occurred, couldn’t just enjoy it and had to yell about it
like a little blonde weenie. Zack Morris is trash! ♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪ (school bell ringing)

Sh!t My Grunt Says: Fracture IMC

Sh!t My Grunt Says: Fracture IMC


The Militia are using our fuel rigs. They’re either desperate or stupid. Or both. Inside of these houses look like they all left in a hurry. When the IMC offers you a crapload of money, you either take it, or take a bullet in the head. The Militia are ambushing from inside the houses! Return fire! Close in! Close in! Don’t get caught in the crossfire! You know, I’d rather blow out the fuel tanks than hand them over to the Militia! Waste of fuel! I’d rather blow up the Militia! After we’re done with the Militia here, these houses will be the only thing left standing! Why wait?! Hell, I just say burn the whole bloody place down! Looks like the Militia figured out a way to siphon fuel directly into their largest ships. Do you see that ship above the cliff? Yeah. You need at least a few turrets to put a dent in a ship that size! Militia’s light on fire cover, these guys are crazy! Roger that! Our Phantoms are gonna rip them apart! Hey Sarge, you check out these houses? The civvies in here must’ve been loaded! Roger that! If there’s loot to split we’ll do it after we take care of the Militia! Militia’s got to be desperate for fuel, bringing this many ships with civvies on board into a warzone! You sure they’re civvies? Just because they don’t wear a uniform don’t mean they’re civvies! This is the old Eastern Lex Community. ‘Bunch of rich geezers who struck gold. I thought they struck oil, you’re talking like gold is still worth something. Well, it used to be, it’s just a figure of speech now. I had an uncle who lived in this community. What did he do? Invent the jumpkit propulsion unit or something? Yeah, actually he did! Good guess! There’s a lot of pipes all over the place. No one lives here anymore, so organization doesn’t really matter. Organization always matters. Without it, everything could fall. You’re that guy who always had his pencils presharpened aren’t you? This place is full of broken telephone poles and scrap metal. Those are pipes, not telephone poles. It’s for the fuel rigs. Whatever. Those ships are jumping in here quick. The Militia need to refill. Looks like they’re bringing their entire fleet. Good. Let’s just end this all now. Ah. If I had a Titan, I’d jump up to that ship and take it out myself! I don’t think Titans can jump, mate. They will when I’m in one! There’s gotta be enough fuel in this place to run Angel City for a year! Yeah, that’ll power the whole Militia fleet alright. Heh, not gonna’ let that happen! Alright boys, lets give the Militia all we’ve got. Remember your tactical training! Two-One-Eagle-Six, pincer movement. Keep your eyes on those pipes! They provide decent coverage for the Militia! A fuel rig exploded when I was in the Battle of Orpheus. Took out half our dropships! Are you taking a piss? Did you at least get a shot off? Three-hundred rounds before we got pulled back to central command! Hell of a day. Shock tactics Gamma-4, I want soldiers on those roofs now! These terrorists have got to be on their very last breath! Then let’s not let ’em take it! Remember, those fuel tanks are the Militia’s last chance to fuel up. There ain’t another fuel station for at least three jumps! Then they’re trapped, as good as dead. I say we cop ’em all. All this fracked ground’s unstable! Watch your step out there! No shit, this place is about to fall apart! Copy that, the sooner we’re off this rock, the better! Do you think this place is stable, with all this fracturing going on? Look around and take a guess. Wouldn’t take much to make this place fall apart. Great. I knew I should’ve joined the Air Force. These Militia guys are nuts. They’re gonna take heavy losses for sure, charging into gas fields like this. Graves has been chasing the Militia fleet for weeks! They’re probably almost out of jump fuel! Yeah, they’re gonna be down to the wire, big time! *pant* I’ve never seen them fight this hard for anything before! Whoever was living here before, they had major money to burn! Yeah, not a lot of common sense. Who the hell builds a city on a fuel reserve? Mate, if that thing goes down, if Bish or Sarah are onboard… Yeah, no kidding. This place is a lot like Earth, eh? No wonder the settlers moved here. Yeah, except the air is breathable around here. You been to Earth lately? Nah, Gridiron born and raised. Never seen Earth except in pictures. Must’ve been some old pictures. You see all those ships out there? They got to be running on fumes to pull a stunt like this. That also means they’re bringing their best. We might even get a shot at their top brass, keep your fingers crossed. Good, I owe that Bish guy a bullet to the head! Roger that. Hey! Is the “Red Eye” up there? Don’t waste your ammo shooting it. You won’t even scratch it. Leave it to the surface-to-air guns. Mate, if that thing goes down, if Bish or Sarah are onboard… It would be a hell of a win for the Vice Admiral!

You And Me – Lifehouse Cover + OUTTAKES – Morgan Flinchum and Lucas Fernandes


Hey what’s up?! I’m Lucas I’m Morgan and we will sing for you the song “You and Me” from Lifehouse so.. just gotta say something? I’m Morgan c’mon um I’m from Italy you notice his accent My accent is so normal it’s weird ? It’s normal yea it’s weird he’s kidding me he’s kidding me all the time so your accent I wuh wauh..%#? I just want to hear your accent in Portuguese right now Nao tenho n-nenhum sotaque (thick accent) Haha that accent’s so weird Sou Carioca po’ No it’s weird so I thought you said you’re from Italy We’re in Rio We’re gunna play some music for you I hope you’re ready I wanna, wanna play something in Italian ok here we go Enjoy itLucas: What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive I can’t keep up and I can’t back down
I’ve been losing so much time ‘Cause it’s you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you Morgan: All of the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right.. blip.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Ho ha ho Why? WHYY?! Nao podia achar (accent) aye aye (Italian hand gesture) I have one job to do Ahh c’mon! I have one verse No, I have many jobs to do You’re wrong, the just one verse you have and you’re wrong at it Let’s pick back up No. I don’t want to record again I will not record again, man We have to record again No Yea No, forget it C’mon No C’mooon Lucas: I can’t keep my eyes off of you … Morgan: All of the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right.. I’m ‘tripping on words’ You got my head spinning I don’t know where to go from here Both: ‘Cause it’s you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to prove/ not one to lose ??.. And it’s you and me and all of the people And I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of youLucas: ‘Cause it’s you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose And it’s you and me and ‘Awvuhwoo’ (?) people And I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you bravo yea I’m wrong something, but.. It’s good Everybody, from Rio de Janeiro Lucas Morgan See you next time Ciao, tchau, chow?

The Joy of Illness

The Joy of Illness


hi internet so I’ve got through about
10,000 tissues and forty dvds this week now i’m not going to porn marathon I’m
sick. I know what you’re thinking who gets a fucking cold in August well I do ok now I could have spent this time wallowing in self-pity and my own fluids but i thought no I’m going to take my anger and
discomfort and force people on the internet to listen to it everybody keeps
telling me to just enjoy having a cold and sit in bed and watch a bunch of
movies but people forget that that’s not how it works because when your body
isn’t busy trying to eject your lungs out of your face your brain is like and you just can’t concentrate on anything I tried to play halo and it didn’t work
right oh oh what’s the point in living and I’ve found that the older you get the
less you can tolerate just doing nothing when you’re in school it’s like well I
guess it could be doing algebra or being punched in the face by some dickhead right
now so this is pretty fun but as soon as you’ve left school it’s like how can I
just sit here and do nothing I should be doing taxes or answering
emails when you are responsible for your own life you can’t enjoy having a cold
because you’re just wasting what little time you have left before you inevitably
die and don’t expect any sympathy if your parents aren’t around my friends don’t even believe I have a cold so gross
oh you probably just have man flu you what
come here huh come here
why
let me sneeze on you
excuse me let me sneeze on your face
what
if I just have man flu and I sneeze on your face then tomorrow morning you won’t wake up in a coma Dan you’re scaring me
come here
Dan let go in my attempt to recover I bought many different kinds of medicine
and they don’t do FUCKING anything it’s all bullshit look it’s just the same thing in
different forms with different shitty flavors you know this you know what it
taste like it tastes like a FUCKING corpse and I don’t know what the corpse
tastes like before you all say that in the comments but I imagine it tastes like
this the people that made this I think they
invented the common cold so we have to keep constantly buying this crap if I
die after this is uploaded it wasn’t the illness it was the drug companies hit man the
one thing I know is how much I am going to appreciate life when I’m better you just
don’t think about it day to day it’s all oh my life is so hard nobody liked my
facebook status and then bam everything gets taken from you listen
here you little shit unless you have a terminal illness or
something you better be appreciating your life right now you are healthy you’re free you can do anything you want
to go climb a goddamn moutain just because you can because i’m telling
you now this has changed my perspective as soon
as I have won this battle I know exactly how I’m going to spend my
life it’s the sick bed ridden screen yeah if
you enjoyed this and you want to see more from me then you can click on this tissue box to
subscribe to my channel to be told when I make a new video and
if you know any secrets or you always do something to help you recover from a
cold and please let me know what that is down in the comments I mean none of them are going to work because if they did then I think everyone would know about
it by now but I want to anyway I need the hope so for now I’m going to
stay exactly where I’m sat and there will be a new video next friday bye guys